Reflections of a Butterfly

Tomorrow is the 4th of July.

Already, the neighbors are lighting off the fireworks that are illegal within city limits. I live within city limits. "Why can't we have fireworks?" is the question my boys ask me. They see all of the neighbors lighting them off, so they don't understand. I explain that there is a $3000.00 fine for anyone caught lighting fireworks off within city limits, sooooo, even though everyone else is doing it, It is still against the law, and right now, I am not really prone to wanting to test my own personal luck at this moment in time.

You see, I haven't been having very good luck lately.

Not at all.

In addition to losing my twins in the nightmare room that is my life right now, our only car just moved on to that place where good cars go when they die. My driveway. We had hoped to spend the 4th out of town, in the woods, camping, where everything is peaceful. Last Sunday the car started jumping a bit, like it wanted to stall. We figured it was just something minor...but...after a complete inspection, a friendly Aussie accented man with large tattoos on his arms, explained a detailed list of what exactly was wrong with our car, and told me that driving it would be potentially deadly....upwards of 2000 dollars would fix it up nicely. Yeah. Right.

He encouraged me to get a new car.

Not worth fixing.

great. It looks like we will not be going out of town...or anywhere else for that matter.

Sooo...My husband is riding his bike 15 miles to and from work...2 of those miles coming home are up a mountain. I have been taking the bus to get small armfuls of groceries for a family of 7. The bus comes once an hour till 7 p.m., so it isn't the end of the world but it takes a lot out of me right now because I am still really weak and anemic.

We are making it work.

I hear the fireworks outside....people laughing....I know my kids don't understand why we can't break the law too. Putting aside the fact that I hate lighting off fireworks because I am afraid of the repercussions that come from an accident, having known a man whose brother was eyeless because a tiny firecracker jumped up into his eye right when it blew up, I am also already so anxious from losing my babies that I almost pee my pants every time a firecracker bangs outside my window and am finding myself having a lot of empathy for all the frightened pets in town who are terrified of all the noise. I know that if anyone in this town is going to get fined for lighting off fireworks...it is ME. No thank you.

I would rather sit outside in the yard roasting marshmallow's with my kids, and enjoy the firework show that is shot off in the valley...we will have a perfect view, and all over the city, we can enjoy the illegal fireworks from the safety of our porch. That's really the best part anyway...watching the pretty colors.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July.

But...it's really just one more day to me.

A day to get through, like every other day; Making sure we do something to enjoy each other, to nourish the love we share. Taking one step at a time to get through it in spite of the emotions that flood through me on a regular basis.

I will get through it.

In spite of everything...and because of everything.