I have had heart burn all day. Not only did it hurt physically, but it hurt emotionally because the only other time in my life that I have ever had heart burn was during my last pregnancy. All day long I have been eating papaya enzyme tablets to sooth the burning sensation...and all day long I have felt the lump in my throat that tells me there is a scream locked in there that is unable to emerge. It feels like are knots in my throat that go all the way down to my heart. The burning pain is symptomatic of the burning pain I feel every day, all day long.
I read recently that there is no such thing as "recovery" or "getting better" when you experience a traumatic loss...no such thing as going back, and collecting the you that once smiled easily. Rather, the you that emerges from the pain is a new you, a you that has lived through trauma, a you that has now been places many others have not been, giving you a new lens with which the world is colored.
It's not an unhappy thought...in fact, it gave me a lot of hope that though I would not be the same old me...I would be a wiser, more weathered me...a me able to help others who are in pain, because I have been there and back again...well, Actually...I don't really think I've gotten "back" yet...but, I am there now, rather...I am here now. Here, with the knots in my throat...in my heart. Everyday I work on uniting the knots...and in the process, sometimes I find out that I've made the tangle even worse...but sometimes...on lucky days...I work on the knots, and suddenly, I realise that I've just gotten one out. There may be a new one, or an old one in it's place tomorrow...but the point is, I AM working them out day by day.
Healing isn't something that happens overnight...and I still have the scar on my leg from when a little boy ran me over with his bike and skidded out on my leg. It was a deep cut when I was 8, and you can still see the tread marks today; but it has healed...I do not bleed from that spot anymore, and it doesn't hurt. Hearts are much more tender...they bleed spiritual blood...they ache psychic tears...they hold pain that throbs against the beat of your natural rhythms, and the stress appears as heartburn, and new gray hairs that seem to sprout overnight.
I made a space for my new puppy today...next to my bed on a 50 year old sheepskin...I put his toys on his bed in expectation of two weeks from now when he will be in my arms. I sat there for awhile with tears in my eyes. Had things not been what they are, I would have been placing baby toys in order preparing for my babies to be in my arms. I am getting to fulfill my nesting urges...I will get to care for a baby pup that will lick my face with love...It's o.k. that I cry for my twins...I know that I will always be sad that they aren't with me in physical reality, and I know that in spirit they will never leave me. They are my forever babies. My puppy is a reminder of them, and a soothing balm to my heart which is aching and morning. I will always have the mark that they left upon me...the scar of loss...but, maybe, one day...It won't hurt as badly.
Boy....I can't wait to hold that puppy. He can't be here a day too soon.
I definitely need that no sting spray to sooth the inflammation I am suffering...and it's soft and furry and warm.