Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Getting to Nest in Spite of it All...

Here is the photo of my "baby"...the one near the purple flowers. The Adult Dog is what he will look like one day...almost exactly, with a few minor marking exceptions.
Why am I getting another dog to add to my family of 5 living boys, A Bassett Hound, a Pug, two rabbits, and a Ferret? Why? Well....because. I am adding my Old English Sheepdog puppy to my family because I was going to have twins...and now...I am not.
The hole in my heart aches every single day...worse as my expected due date approaches...more painful as I wake up every morning knowing that I should...SHOULD...have been getting ready for my little boys. I was robbed of nesting for them...robbed of careing for them....robbed of loving them and having them love me in return. Robbed of their warmth. Robbed of watching them play with their brothers, and grow, and be silly....Robbed of their lives.
I found this sweet little puppy...next to the purple flowers...the same flowers I have planted in my yard for my babies. I knew I needed him in my arms. I knew I needed a big, furry, loveable bear hug of a dog. Someone new....a baby...someone that will take as much energy and patience and time and warmth as twins would have taken. My twins. I needed a friend to fill some of the painful emptyness in my heart. I needed this sweet little dog in my life.
I paid for his deposit, and will make payments until he is 8 weeks old...they will bring him to me from Missouri on August 14th...I was due on the 21st...I will have a baby in my arms to sooth my acheing heart...I will have someone to cuddle...someone who will lick away my tears, and distract my troubled mind. A giant ball of fur to play with my kids and protect my family with love. A jolly soul to laugh with and romp with.
I haven't felt so joyful in months....I haven't felt so right for months....
I am SO glad to know I can regain the joy of nesting for a new presence...a new baby.
I bought a big fuzzy squeeky camel today for him. And a knotted rope that is purple and yellow...
We are searching inside ourselves for names for our new baby pup...I know we will find the right one if we are quite inside....
I feel like our new puppy was given to us by our babies-for they must know, more than anyone could ever know, how much I need this dog right now....How much it matters that he be here now that they are gone. He will be in my arms on my due date. I can't wait to hold him.

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