As If

At 2 in the morning it almost seems easier to just stay awake than to keep trying to fall asleep.

I got up from the couch earlier in the evening during a movie that was making me feel rather anxious, saying to my 19 year old and his girlfriend "I just have to check on..." and then froze inside. I had felt this sudden NEED to check on my babies. As if it had been too long for them to be sleeping. As if I was worried that they might not be safe. As if they needed me.

As if they were there at all.

The lump that instantly formed in my throat stopped my sentence, and I hurried off as if I really had something I needed to check on. I stood in the doorway of my four younger boys. Night lite on. The steady breathing of four boys in bunk beds. The faint sound of banjo music that had lulled them all to sleep. Big, happy, peaceful boys.

Walked to my own room right next door...looking at the big bed...and the little bed next to it. The little empty bed. A toddlers bed. I was going to set up my co-sleeper soon...for my baby. It would have had two babies in it...which would have been such a wonderful surprise. I could have reached over and touched them if they stirred..or brought them into my arms to nurse sleepily without having to get up myself. We would have slept together. I would have woken up in the morning to birdsong, and watched my babies sleep, going over every detail of their beautiful faces, imprinting it all to store in my memory for all time.

I usually keep my babies close...close so that I know they are safe.

My babies are gone. There isn't anyone to check on. No one to nurse. No one to hold in my arms...even though they are asleep. I don't get to watch their little fringed eyelids flicker in a dream state. They never opened their eyes.

I feel like they are here...like I should be taking care of them.

But there aren't any babies in my home, even though my heart is screaming that they must be here somewhere. I must have misplaced them. Lost them.

Yes. I lost them. Now, they are only found in the whispers of the wind, or gold and purple flowers, or tiny humming-birds that move so quickly I can't always track them with my eyes.

I love you.

I will always love you.