Sunday, July 26, 2009

A person's a matter how small.

Our lost twins share the names of some very important people in my life. In some ways, they are people who have been a pair of the most significant people in making me the person I am today. My eldest son's name is Sanderson...a variation of the name Alexander. The man who introduced my husband and I is a dear friend named Simon. Simon is also Sanderson's godfather.

Sanderson, who was brought into my life earlier than one would think was a good idea, was a being that altered my world for the better from the very beginning. I was quite young...but old beyond my years. He shifted my entire world. He was a true blessing to me...though...blessings, as wonderful as they may be, are not always easy. Sanderson has been what many would refer to as....high need. Not that HE felt he needed ME....but rather, keeping some semblance of order around his energy demanded a certain caliber of devotion, which I doubt many other parents would have been able to keep up. I am thankful I was so young and helped me to keep up with the demands of raising such a high spirited child. My son is a person with bi-polar disorder, and also has had a brain injury since he was 17. He has always been bi-polar. It is clearer now, as is the usual case with bi-polar children as they enter adulthood.

Simon is also a person with bipolar...I met him in New York at the age of 17. He was like a brother to me at a time when I felt more alone than I had ever felt before. He was kind, understanding, and enlightening about the world at large. I remember a friendly kiss on the cheek that turned my world upside down. It wasn't a feeling of "falling in love",for, as I said...he was like a dear brother; rather, it was a feeling of waking up. I remember feeling this flash inside of me...a flash of understanding, awakening. Suddenly...I saw the world differently...I saw everything differently. I would never be the same.

It was that opening that paved the way for me to meet my husband...Sanderson and Simon have been such important people in our lives...

and they have challenging mental illnesses.

We named our babies, unconsciously, after these two men....Simon, and Sanderson. Our babies...our twins...Simon and Alexander.

My husband and I cried over this understanding...holding each other tightly, best friends, lovers, partners on a journey that has made other raise their eyebrows in wonder...sobbing about how our babies have changed us deeply; That the people society would judge as insignificant contributors, people with mental illness...premature babies....they had some of the deepest ability to change the way we see the world, and ourselves in that world... because of them, our lives would never be the same...and will always hold a special kind of beauty which we only see because of these special, wonderful, unique people-- People of immensely significant value!! Our babies were very small....but the way in which they are in our lives has, and will continue to be, huge beyond comprehension.

No...not insignificant...not defective..not just premature, or mentally ill. Brilliant. Special. Wonderful. Life altering beings. People with a unique message. People with a special kind of lesson to teach us all, if only we are willing to see.

My heart is heart is bursting with love for the bringers of light that I have had the great privilege of having in my life for any period of time. I want to scream from the top of the mountain my gratitude for getting to have the opportunity to be touched by these wonderful blessings. I am surrounded by their light. It illuminates our world. It changes the future.

That is real magic.

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