Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Healing with Warm Fuzzies...

Such a sweet little silly baby!

I will hold you so soon! But not soon enough for these acheing arms that want you NOW!

O.k., O.k....I know it's silly...I know that a puppy isn't a baby, much less twin babies. I know I am not going to get my babies back by having a puppy. have to admit...he IS adorable...more than adorable!
This morning, I woke up to my period. I woke up to the understanding that I am not pregnant, not that we are trying to get pregnant right now. I know my body has a lot of healing to do. But there it was...the reminder that I am not pregnant, that I am not about to give birth to twins in a month, as much as I might want that truth to be different, it is NOT...reality is this-I am not going to hold twins in my arms, I don't get to nurse them, I won't get to hear them laugh or cry, I can't go back and change that they are dead.
I know that I may not have more babies. I know that I might. I also know that I DON'T know anything right now except that I can't replace Simon or Alexander any more than I could replace any of my sweet children with another baby. I know that I could not just go out and find a new "Ty" if I were to lose my husband. I know that there is no going back to get what you have lost.
However...I feel a little bit like an adoptive mother right now...I see pictures of the baby that is going to be mine in a few short weeks, and my heart, beating with the pain of yesterday, is feeing the glimmer that comes with hope that I will smile more often, laugh easier, and find a place to put my distracted energy...that I will have a baby to love and that love, while it isn't going to erase the injury that loss has asaulted me with, will sooth the pain.
We are so excited for the arrival of our baby pup...he has given us back a peice of our joy simply by exsisting in our hearts while we wait for him to be 8 weeks old, old enough to join us in our wild, love filled ride.


  1. OMGosh, he is SO sweet! What kind of dog is it? What a sweetheart! Do you have a name yet?

    Me, I got a doll instead of a puppy... less work. *grin*

  2. He is an Old English the time he is a year old, he will be a warm fuzzy mop of a Barkley on Sesame Street, or...The Shaggy Dog. I am so excited about his arrival! I am so excited to be nesting for a baby! My entire being needs to do that...YOU know how it is. HUG!!

  3. We haven't picked a name yet. We have a little list of hopefuls, but, we want to get to know him before we decide for sure...for now, I secretly call him "Baby".


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