Grieving.
Such silence outside while my insides are literally screaming in pain.
Smiles for the people I pass by on the street as I walk Ferdinand from store to store in his handsome service dog vest....it's purple with gold paw patches on either side. Yes...of course it is....
Tears on the inside while I gulp for air just to make it through the anxiety of being "out".
Strength on the outside when I express that my eldest son was saddened by the absence of celebration from his grandfather when he graduated in spite of his head injury.
Sobbing on the inside because the void is so familiar...so familiar.
Laughing on the outside when Will Ferrel catapults himself into the mouth of a t-rex in a valiant gesture of bravery.
Terrified on the inside because it looks like more death to me...more death.
Cozy on the outside in a sweater given by a dear friend.
Freezing on the inside ever since the spring when everything changed.
So....do I want any stress? Any surprises? Any more drama?
no.
NO!
So....I am saying "no" on the outside...because I am bellowing "No!!!" on the inside.
Oh...and one more thing....if you hear me say no...take heed. Don't try to wheedle and poke a yes out of me. I may tear you to pieces if you push another mangled raw spot.
Got it dad?
Don't try to make me feel bad for saying "it's not a good time". It is NOT a good time.
Got it dad?
Don't try to act like you don't understand my hesitation. My hesitation is valid.
Got it dad?
Don't think I don't love you. I do love you. I also love me.
Got it dad?
It is not a good time. I am saying no. Not now. Another time please.
it isn't time to add one more thing to this pile of crap I get to wade in.
How bout we wait till I don't cry every day.
How bout you understand that I need time to heal.
and that you can't suddenly jump in and be daddy when you've worked so hard to not be daddy.
Not now.
Not when I am bleeding profusely from my heart.
I am too vulnerable.
I am too weak.
Hear my "no." and let it be.
Feel my pain, and you will understand.
Until then....
no....not now.
Big, tight (((hug))). I'm sorry you're hurting and having to set firm boundaries. I've been icy cold - even through the heat of summer - since George was stillborn. Are you as well? I'm usually cold, but my husband says it's positively inhuman now.
ReplyDeleteWow.....thank you for understanding. It's hard to be strong when you feel weak!
ReplyDeleteI'm freezing with Popsicle's for fingers. I'm always cold....My suspicion is that it has more to do with the ice pick in my heart than the anemia I deal with! I peeks at your sweet Einstein...sooo cute...aren't OESD the BEST...I couldn't do any of this without my furball. Seriously...I just couldn't.
(((hugs)))Sara. Mamas whos babies are not in arms should get unlimited free passes for a long while...where all you have to do is pull it out in a time of need and the other person look at you with compassion and love and an "OK", never to be questioned again.
ReplyDeletemy heart broke more with each poignant line you posted here. I know how hard it is to be vulnerable and exposed and try to put on a brave face. I cannot even pretend to know what it is to have to do that hour after hour, because I can retreat to hermit status, I don't have other kids depending on me. If I knew you IRL this is where I would hug you and tell you I understand and that I know what you are going through and let you scream and cry and be angry at the insensitivity of others. Scream at the way they place demands on us without thinking, REALLY thinking, what this is doing to us every moment of the day. Just know I am here to listen. I understand and I am so sorry that others feel the need to place more on your plate. God, so, so much of this post resonated with me. Not about my Dad, but about others. Sending you prayers for peace in your heart, and understanding from those who surround you.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it hard....hard to just BE in a world that keeps moving forward, and expects you to do the same with grace and ease. Too hard...too soon...too much. Thank you for understanding me....I'm sorry you do...only someone that really FEELS can understand pain like this. Your empathy...your true loving empathy means the world to me. To be free to be understood...what a blessing.
ReplyDelete