Friday, September 30, 2011

she is here!

Oh my....

That is all I can say as I look at her.
Oh my...

The wonder that is found in her little face.  Oh my....

The beauty...
The precious innocence...

Oh my....

She is here.

She took forever....forever to get here.

Oh my.... has taken me some time to acclimate.  To realize it's over.  And, that it has also just begun.

A  new page.  A new chapter.  A new life.

All because rainbows DO occur.

In spite of my fears.  doubts.  tremors of terror.

She is here.

She is REALLY here.

Eyes of sky blue that open and look at me.  Soft downy light brown hair on a warm head.  Softer than peach fuzz.  Or baby rabbit fur....  A rosebud mouth that smiled this morning.  Long slender fingers that really grasp mine.  And hold on.  Tiny toes that clench as warm water from her bath drips off...

She is here.  She made it.  She really did.

I didn't believe she would...until she did.

Even at the last push, when I heard our midwife say "There's a little cord here..." and I thought to myself in terror "Oh god...she's not going to make it..." And I pushed harder to get her here faster....and then...

I heard her voice.  My baby girl.  "MA MAM!" It was all she said.

It was enough.

She was HERE.  She made it.  She cried out for me. "MA MAM!"

And the tears in the room were visible on every face.


I saw my sons...smiling widely as they discovered that babies don't always die.
I saw my husband.  Tears dripping as he said "baby...she's calling for YOU!"
I saw my best friend in the world...who held me two years ago, offering the sweetness of kumquats in the painful reality of loss.  Of total and complete loss.  Her eyes bright with the tears of healing.  Of witnessing that life IS.
I saw our midwife...who never quaked...and yet...the tears were there.  For all of us.  For our joy.

And She IS here.

Our star baby.  Our rainbow girl.

Born after weeks of contractions.  Even with a cervix that would NOT budge without help...the terror holding true release back.  Born after 9 months of fear.  Worry.  nightmares.  and...unrelenting hope.

She is here.  Sweet Alicia Venus.  Our Ali V.

Rainbows do happen.  They really do. 

Monday, September 12, 2011

I take it back.

My last post talked about how I'm not patient. 

I want to retract that.

I am 42 weeks patient.  I am 4 days in labor patient.  I am 2 and a half years waiting to hold my living baby patient. 

I am the most patient woman on the planet.

I am also tired.

I am also afraid.

I am also....lost.  Lost as to WHY this is taking so long.  Tired from being in labor for a million years, or so it seems.  Afraid...because....what if after all this health, life and vibrance....after all the waiting and worrying....after all the support and love from around the world...what ends badly.  What if she doesn't make it. 

My midwife says there is no reason to worry.

My readers know differently.

I know differently.

There are reasons.

Reasons that happen.

That have happened before.

To me.
To you.

I have to look the other way, because if I glance in that direction for too long, it scalds my heart and the inflammation is more than I can bear.

Waiting for a rainbow.  Waiting for the storm to fade.


In patience.