Tomorrow is Halloween....my boys are thrilled...the idea of going around filling up a bag full of candy is just about overwhelming to their little hearts.
Today, we are dressing up for a costume party...so many wonderful creative costumes...I've even dressed up our dogs.
But...there is this yearning to have a little chili pepper and a sweet pea pod resting nearby. To hear their gentle breathing. To know it will soon be time to nurse again. To be burdened with leaking breasts.
To know it would have been their first Halloween.
Enough.
It's too hard to live with all the could have beens. I keep hearing a song with re-arranged words..."Could have been so beautiful, could have been so right, could have held my babies, all throughout my life..."
But...the could have beens won't ever be.
We won't get to laugh over the sweet little costumes I would have made for them.
Their brothers won't tease them lovingly with chocolate dinosaurs or gently rub just a taste of pumpkin cheesecake on their little lips.
It would have been such a treat to have my twins here with us now...but instead...life has played a trick on us instead. My heart has been egged and T.Ped by the universe. My candy stolen.
all I have left....is my breath.
I wrote you a comment here, but your blog ate it, and now I can't remember all of what I said or where it went so if you get a duplicate, I am sorry.
ReplyDeletePlease just know friend that this post too really touched me. I wade in the waters of questioning while another version of me screams from the shore "enough". It's hard to listen to the enoughs though, it's hard not to be pulled out by the currant of despair and wade deeper and deeper into the "what would she be doing, what would she look like, how different my life would be. " I only have imagined ideas of what Peyton should be doing, I never mothered a child past a month, so I don't really know. I imagine it must be much harder for you. You know what milestones your twins would be at. You know the role they would play among your other children. It is just so unfair that they are not here with you. Know that no matter which way your emotions, heart and breath take you on a particular day, whether it is a "why" day or an "enough" day, I along with so many others are here, to listen, to understand, and to walk this journey with you.
Thinking of you - felt so much the same way on Halloween - aaaaah - and trying to keep it inside so the other little ones could just enjoy. And my husband. (((Hugs)))
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