Chocolate dinosaurs and Pumpkin Cheescake...

Tomorrow is Halloween....my boys are thrilled...the idea of going around filling up a bag full of candy is just about overwhelming to their little hearts.

Today, we are dressing up for a costume party...so many wonderful creative costumes...I've even dressed up our dogs.

But...there is this yearning to have a little chili pepper and a sweet pea pod resting nearby. To hear their gentle breathing. To know it will soon be time to nurse again. To be burdened with leaking breasts.

To know it would have been their first Halloween.

Enough.

It's too hard to live with all the could have beens. I keep hearing a song with re-arranged words..."Could have been so beautiful, could have been so right, could have held my babies, all throughout my life..."

But...the could have beens won't ever be.

We won't get to laugh over the sweet little costumes I would have made for them.

Their brothers won't tease them lovingly with chocolate dinosaurs or gently rub just a taste of pumpkin cheesecake on their little lips.

It would have been such a treat to have my twins here with us now...but instead...life has played a trick on us instead. My heart has been egged and T.Ped by the universe. My candy stolen.

all I have left....is my breath.

Oh...and one MORE thing....

Grieving.

Such silence outside while my insides are literally screaming in pain.

Smiles for the people I pass by on the street as I walk Ferdinand from store to store in his handsome service dog vest....it's purple with gold paw patches on either side. Yes...of course it is....

Tears on the inside while I gulp for air just to make it through the anxiety of being "out".

Strength on the outside when I express that my eldest son was saddened by the absence of celebration from his grandfather when he graduated in spite of his head injury.

Sobbing on the inside because the void is so familiar...so familiar.

Laughing on the outside when Will Ferrel catapults himself into the mouth of a t-rex in a valiant gesture of bravery.

Terrified on the inside because it looks like more death to me...more death.

Cozy on the outside in a sweater given by a dear friend.

Freezing on the inside ever since the spring when everything changed.


So....do I want any stress? Any surprises? Any more drama?

no.

NO!

So....I am saying "no" on the outside...because I am bellowing "No!!!" on the inside.

Oh...and one more thing....if you hear me say no...take heed. Don't try to wheedle and poke a yes out of me. I may tear you to pieces if you push another mangled raw spot.

Got it dad?

Don't try to make me feel bad for saying "it's not a good time". It is NOT a good time.

Got it dad?

Don't try to act like you don't understand my hesitation. My hesitation is valid.

Got it dad?

Don't think I don't love you. I do love you. I also love me.

Got it dad?

It is not a good time. I am saying no. Not now. Another time please.

it isn't time to add one more thing to this pile of crap I get to wade in.

How bout we wait till I don't cry every day.

How bout you understand that I need time to heal.

and that you can't suddenly jump in and be daddy when you've worked so hard to not be daddy.

Not now.

Not when I am bleeding profusely from my heart.

I am too vulnerable.

I am too weak.

Hear my "no." and let it be.

Feel my pain, and you will understand.

Until then....

no....not now.

My Angels...

My angels...

Gone too soon.

Is it true that six months have passed since the nightmare of losing you began?

Alexander...birthed on Earth day; April 22nd....Simon...taken on the 28th of May..a month of hiding inside....holding on....

why!???!???!???

We would be having so much fun--if only you had stayed.

How I wish you had stayed.

I cannot seem to find a way to feel like it was "good" that you left.
No way to feel like the positives and the blessings are better than had you been allowed to stay. There HAVE been blessings and positives in SPITE of losing you...
but not because of losing you.

I cannot make sense of the "WHY!!!" that screams in my chest...even six months later.

It is stuck in me....that "WHY!!!"

and there are no answers.

My angels.

How I wish you were here.

Angel wings as gifts....as reminders....
you were here...once.

and it mattered. YOU mattered. you always will.

My angels.

I love you.

What if...?

What if there was no sorrow

and Angels could be seen...

What if tomorrow was a star-burst

and yesterday a dream...

What if I could hold your hands

and feel the beating of your hearts...

What if we were all together

never to be apart...

What if there were no worries

no pain, no loss, no tears...

What if we were open

to a journey without fear...

What if I could have you

in my arms each day...

knowing that you would never

have to go away...

What if knowing peace

was the only thing we had...

What if loving kindness

could chase away the bad...

What if I could have my way

and bring you back to me...

what a crime, because I know

that you are truly free...

I will cry, and I will bleed

You can fly and soar...

I will lose, and be in pain

you will hear me roar...

I will stumble, rise, and fall

you will witness all my loss--
and know I can take more...

knowing you was worth the rain

the beauty always there...

though I can't hold you again

and life really isn't fair...

I love you

I know you love me...

it will always be that way

for all eternity...

yes...

for all eternity.

Fifteen Years...

Tomorrow is my fifteenth wedding anniversary.

If I close my eyes I can almost see myself 15 years ago...I was in the kitchen...pulling my wedding cake out of the oven with my dearest friend and we were talking about how I used too much vanilla (in her opinion). We set the last layer out to cool, and I started clipping the prettiest daisies so that I could decorate it in the morning. I had decided to make my own cake for many reasons, but the one that sticks in my mind had to do with starting this new life with my new husband as authentically as possible. I wanted everything to be real. I didn't want a big, glorious wedding...I wanted it simple, and lovely...and honest. To celebrate our union with a cake that contained anything but the most real ingredients would seem somehow, to me, like a lie.

As the many layers of white chocolate cake cooled in various places (it was a small apartment...) I went for a walk with my friend...my dearest of friends...and my new brother in law. We walked up a mountain that is called Mount Jumbo. I had to pee desperately, but was young and shy and so, in spite of my brother in law claiming that I should just pee behind a bush, I instead opted to keep my poor bladder full and aching. My four year old son was a bottle rocket of energy and he raced ahead of us under the moon. I looked out over the city and wondered what my soon to be husband was doing....

In the morning, my friend got up at the crack of dawn to frost and decorate the now standing tiers of sweet smelling cake. We went to the beauty parlor where my hair was curled and braided up off my neck and filled with daisies....again...chosen for their simplicity and grace. My favorite of flowers...the humble daisy. I remember looking in the mirror and smiling because I really did look like a bride.

We arrived at the church...I dressed my son in his white shirt, his black pants, and his green and gold cape (he had insisted on a cape...) I put on my dress...hugged my sweet friend...and waited for the sound of harp music to end and for my father to take my hand.

In some part of my mind...I think I fully expected that my fiancee would have second thoughts, and would decide to not show up that day. So, when I turned the corner, and saw him standing at the alter with a gentle smile on his face...I almost passed out.

He came. He still wanted to marry me. He'd had time to think it over....but he came anyway.

We said our vows, which were basically explanations for how we had come to this moment in time, and ended with what we felt was the vow that summed all the others up in one...."Till death, do we part."

In the past fifteen years, we have lost five babies. We have had four beautiful sons to add to the one I brought with me. I gave up my mother, knowing that I had never had her in the first place. My husband has been through name after name, trying to find one that truly felt right, coming full circle to the name he was born with. Ty. We have been through parenting a child with undiagnosed mental health issues...and almost lost him due to a terrible accident. We have cried together. We have held hands through turmoil and poverty....such terrible poverty. We have believed in each other when others were shaking their heads. We have opted for a life together that was harder simply because it did not cut corners. We have hurt each other unintentionally...and worked to heal those wounds. My husband wrote a book and got it published, where it now sits in books stores all over the world. He became a wonderful therapist. I found out that I preferred psychology to medicine and have been fascinated to discover out that alternative health care healed, and allopathic medicine was good for emergencies. I've become a writer. My husband and I laugh together, enjoying the same humor and opinions about nearly everything. We cook fantastic food and eat it together. Tender gestures, and honesty, and unending compassion bind us close together. We have made passionate, earth shaking, love almost daily. We have worked through challenges most would have crumbled under. We are best friends. lovers. confidants. For fifteen years. We are one.

yes....friends have come and gone....my best friend of 15 years ago, who was my maid of honor...my eldest sons god mother... disappeared from my life 7 years ago with no explanation. Change. It happens.

I am no longer 19. He is no longer 23. I am fatter. He is balder. I am saggier. He is sexier. we are grayer. we are wiser...more seasoned. Pain and loss have twisted us inside out. Struggle has pounded us hard. Life has shown us that bad things happen to good people. We have shown life that we can make it through hell and back again.

and...I have done it holding the hand of the man that said "Till death do us part" 15 years ago.

Ty....I am sooo glad to be your wife. To be your friend...and your partner.

Thank you for showing up.

Thank you...for loving me.

Happy Anniversary baby....it's only the beginning!!

The Best is yet to come...

Running with the wind

The wind is howling like a ghost outside. Ordinarily I do NOT like that. I never have liked it, from the time of being a small child. It felt too wild. Like no one could hear you if you screamed for help. (That should give some insight to the childhood I had!---sheesh....)

But tonight....The wind is howling. Screaming really. The trees in my yard are bending with the strength of the winds pushing power. You can hear the rushing of the leaves---they sound like ocean waves pounding on the beach or like a subway rushing trough tunnels in New York!

It is pretty dark, because the full moon is covered by gray clouds that are eerily illuminated by the light of the moon that is trying to peek through unsuccessfully. Yes...I am usually anxious on a night like this...especially when my husband is out of town like he is. But, the kids were watching a movie...and I felt so restless....

I got my puppy's leash and his reflective vest and put a wind breaker over my fleece sweater, and told the kids I was going for a walk, and that I had my cell phone if they needed me. They yelled "AWESOME!!!" (I suspect they were thinking about the ice-cream in the freezer, and how it would be up for grabs.....)

I walked with my puppy who felt wild in the wind....he wanted to RUN, so run we did. I ran.....and talked to the wind....to my babies....cried...and ran...and cried....and screamed to myself....and laughed at the unusual friskiness that the wind had instilled on my sweet gentle giant ball of fur....and cried and enjoyed that no one...no one at all...could possibly hear my screams...and no one would see my fat ass running...and no one would be outside in weather like that....and it was dark and chilly and wild....

and I was free.

I ran all the way up to the water tower...which is about five miles UP the mountain...and I ran all the way down. My heart was pounding..because I am NOT a runner (see the above aforementioned "fat ass" comment...which was the name my stepfather christened me when puberty came into my life, and a generous teen happened to yell at me a few days ago on a daylight stroll as he drove by...nice...what a lovely young man...and I still have to ask the REAL question..."and WHY, may I ask...are you staring at my ass with such interest?".)

But, again-- no one could SEE my fat ass running...and so I felt free to run. Funny how hard it is to exercise when you are over-weight. everyone seems to think it's such a joke to see someone like me running. Big Breasts, wide hips, short legs....how DARE I exercise! It almost seems to scare people to see a fat person exercise, as if...maybe...there is more to being plump than just being inactive...how terrifying.

Anyway--I digress....

It felt amazing to be in that wild wind with my dog...racing around in the cool air of the night. I was not afraid. After all...the wind sounded like ghosts all around me...and I am not afraid of ghosts anymore. I have been to the other side...and there isn't anything to fear. If anything...I look forward to seeing my twins again. Not immediately..because I have a lot to do here right now...but I know they are there. I know it...because I was there too.

So let the wind howl....it is freedom....it is wild and crazy...it doesn't care about the opinions of others....it lets me scream and cry and dries my tears as quickly as they fall.

There is the sound of ghosts in the air.

For the first time in my life,that is a good thing.

yes....a very good thing.