Saturday, April 10, 2010


Anne. Alianna. Lilliana. Rosella. Daisy. 

These were the names we chose if we were surprised by the presence of a tiny pink bundle of girl-ness. Even now, when I look at my sons I can see how those names would have fit them well, if they had been female. They fit the feminine side of their maleness, if that makes sense to anyone....

For the past several weeks, I've been trying to remember the name we had chosen for Simon and Alexander...before we knew we had twins...before we knew they were boys. But, there was a void. A simple blank spot. Amnesia. It was gone.

And that empty place where that name should have been was completely and totally agonizing.

I kept running through in my mind, knowing it had been important...knowing there had been something about the name that connected all the dots in the end. Yet, it was gone.

The idea that I could have forgotten something, ANYTHING, about made them seem so far away. I knew they weren't girls, so it wasn't like I forgot their names were Simon and Alexander...but, in a way, it was like forgetting part of who they were just the same.

I didn't mention it to my husband, who could have set me straight in a heartbeat, because I didn't want him to know the truth......I'd forgotten. I'd forgotten the name. It was gone.

So, instead, I struggled in silence. It was gone, but I was searching for it. I was searching for them.

Two nights ago, my husband and I did a little visualization together. We imagined, side by side, a big green field with trees all around the borders. I listened to my husband as he described the big rock in the field, the golden dandelions, the butterfly's...and then he asked me what I saw walking out of the trees, into the field. In my minds eye, I saw a princess...a big puffy princess all flouncy and rosy. She skirted across that field with a bounce in her step...we giggled together at the idea. My husband described a giraffe loping, it's long legs giving the illusion of moving slowly while the truth being that it was covering ground quickly. We admired the beauty and grace of that giraffe together. Then, I watched a small critter move under the grasses in such a way that you knew something was there only because the tall grasses parted, just so. My husband saw a lion, and roared with it, enjoying it's strength and confidence. Then, I saw my sheepdog puppies, bouncing all around the field in total bliss and rambunctious pleasure. I was thoroughly engaged in the enjoyment of this meditative journey through visualization.

Then, my husband took my hand...and told me he saw Simon and Alexander. With Golden brown hair, dressed in purple and yellow...he started crying with me as he described them one with silky smooth hair, the other with thicker wavy hair. Similar, but not identical....he described them as I had seen them in my near death experiences...exactly as I saw them in the golden fields of the spirit world. Exactly as they looked in the field we were visualizing together. We sobbed together, watching them walk...we sobbed together, knowing we couldn't make eye contact with them....we sobbed together knowing they were with us, and yet....not.

It was profound....

It felt....real.

Following that, in the embrace of love, A flash of golden light came to me, and in the light...was the name.

Sage Ella.

Two names....

Two names found in a dream before I knew I was pregnant.

Finding out we had twins, the name made sense....It was Sage AND Ella....just as Simon Alexander became Simon AND Alexander.

It filled my heart to remember Sage and find Simon and Alexander.

They felt so close to me...and I knew I had found them once again in my heart, close to me as the anniversary of losing them approaches.

I feel as if a wall that has separated me from my little ones has developed a window. A window through which we can see each other in spirit.

Sage and Ella.

Simon and Alexander.

Yes...the names do fit.

A wholeness has been found in a void.

I am not alone.
My babies are with me.

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