It's a little funny how life is. Funny strange....not funny ha ha. It's that same kind of funny that lifts you up in one moment, offering the potential for a smile...a feeling of confidence....and then throws you back out into the road right in front of a speeding mini van filled with car pooling soccer moms and their happy i-podded tweens leaving you twitching and flattened as car after car runs over you....
What IS this? This roller coaster ride....I've been on it so long I've stopped TRYING to contain my vomit! Out it comes....all over everyone around me....the ride doesn't stop...it just keeps on going, like there is some crazy laughing psycho that keeps stepping on the gas right as the ride starts to ease up....right as I think I get to get off the damn ride to wash off and ride something more gentle....like the kiddie planes or something. Maybe a nice happy log ride. Or....maybe....just eating some ice cream and watching a happy puppet show.
But no. I get to be Velcroed to the damn roller coaster.
Against my will.
For all time.
At some point, I came to the conclusion that if there IS a hell. . .It is a roller coaster ride that you can NOT get off of. It is a scary, screaming, roundabout that convinces you that if you don't die on it.....you will at least wish you could pass out until it was over. A crap your pants kind of ride. A "Daddy, Daddy!!! PLEASE tell the man to STOP!!" ride.
What's really funny (see above definition of "funny") is that I seem to BE the crazy psycho that keeps stepping on the gas.
Or at least...that is what my husband thinks.
Because, this morning....
He told me that if I don't stop being such an asshole to his wife, that he is going to have to start being mean to me.
He told me that he won't tolerate me saying mean things about his wife anymore.
He told me that what I keep saying about his wife is total crap.
He told me to knock it off...and the look in his eyes was FIERCE!
He said that it's o.k. if I am sad forever. Hell...he expects that I will NEVER stop being sad about losing our twins. He also said if I think I can go on being so awful to his wife...saying horrible things about her...that he will NOT put up with it...and I will have to deal with her husband. Because NO ONE talks about his wife that way.
Are you confused yet?
The roller coaster ride came to a screeching halt.
I stepped off it, with tears in my eyes. Shaking. I left the bitch who had been saying I was worthless...that I killed my babies with my body...that I wasn't a good mother...that I didn't deserve joy...or life....
I left her there with her jaw open...I could feel her clawing at me...trying to pull me back into the ride.
But he held me in his arms. Held me strong and secure. With all the love that has ever been since the dawn of time.
He told me he was getting a tattoo.
Of a tribal American Thunder bird.