It's Friday afternoon, and I'm feel a little less raw than I've been in the past few days. Like I mentioned in my previous post... I literally felt as if I'd fallen in that Sand Pit in the Winnie the Pooh Story...only, a big part of me didn't want to try to get out again. An even bigger part of me didn't think I could. On Monday, I decided that I was going to stop eating until I felt some kind of answer emerge, I am not a religious person, though I've always been deeply connected to my spiritual self, and I know that people have fasted for spiritual reasons with what they consider success. I decided I'd try it. I didn't eat anything. I drank water, and it wasn't hard to maintain that pattern because ,frankly, I was too sad to be hungry. I fed my family, and did not feed myself. I know it seems really extreme, but my pain was really extreme too.
I've been thinking about sea turtles a lot lately, they have really helped me over the past few months to find some peace that has been really driving my life lately, but I fell anyway. It was sudden, and terrible, and I almost lost my grip on everything I hold dear...but when I hit the very bottom of despair, I found them waiting for me again. Patiently. And I knew this wasn't just something to share with a few friends...it was something to share with everyone.
Sea turtles lay these big abundant nests that are chock full of eggs. Most of the eggs never have a chance to hatch, because they are eaten by predators. Of the little sea turtles that DO hatch, most of them are eaten as they try to make it to the sea...and the ones that make it to the sea, are also greeted with enthusiasm...by predators. But...some of them DO survive. Some of them live. And when they do...their life is never really fair. They are always at risk of being killed at some point, Even though they are completely peaceful creatures. These wonderful sea turtles, they float peacefully, without anxiety...even though their life isn't fair. Even though it will never be fair. They aren't afraid...they aren't brooding about how unfair their life really is. I've swam with these creatures, and they were like angels. Peaceful, gentle, welcoming. Real living angels of the sea. A lot of their babies die. Their life isn't fair. But...they swim on. They swim on with inner peace.
I'm a sea turtle mother. Not all of my babies get to live. My life isn't fair. But...I'm reaching for inner peace. I want to float in peace. I want to keep swimming in this big sea of life.
Life isn't fair. I don't have to like that my babies died. I never have to like that. But I do have to keep swimming. I do need to find inner peace. That's what the sea turtles have for me, and I'm going to try to follow their example. I broke my fast this afternoon. Four days of fasting....four days of being lost in the deep dark caverns of pain....
I'm still swimming...I didn't drown. Maybe, when and if that sandpit appears again...I'll be able to stumble around it instead of falling flat on my face,Maybe I will, as sweet Liz suggested, throw some sand in to make the pit less deep (very wise I must say Liz!) but if I DO fall, I'll try to remember to call the sea turtles to help me get back out. Because, they are waiting. They are my friends, my spirit guides...I am one of them. Sara...The sea turtle mother.