my heart is breaking all over again.

I remember this day, one year ago.

I remember waking up, knowing you were gone, and that today I would have to push you into the world against all of my will for it to not be true.

I remember walking into the hospital with my husband in a state of disbelief...praying that I would wake up, and end this horrible nightmare. My prayer wasn't answered.

I remember the beauty of a bowl of bright orange kumquats and brilliant Gerbra Daisys and the sad eyes and attempted bravery in the smile of my sweet friend.

I remember the hospital room. The nurses. The little sign on the door that warned all who would enter that this was not a happy place of birth, smiles, and expectation.

I remember the tears.

I remember the pain in my heart, so terrible I hoped I would die too.

I remember my husband singing our song into my ear...giving me the strength to push him into the world that he would never see.

I remember the groggy feeling of morphine in my veins...morphine I couldn't process. Morphine that put me into shock...morphine...that almost killed me.

I remember the brilliance of the golden field that I held you in. I remember your love...your words. I remember the beauty of your purple aural halo....I remember the pain of being torn between a world of spirit, and my earthly home.

I remember you. I remember how beautiful you were. So tiny...so perfect. You looked like your sweet daddy. So beautiful. I held you for 15 hours......only 15 hours....it wasn't long enough.

I didn't know you had a twin who would rest within me for a month....waiting...waiting...rotting.

I didn't understand why I had to loose you leaving me holding a little blue blanket with the sweet smell of you... swaddled around the silly "platypuck" we had bought you for Easter....I didn't know that the plush purple and yellow duck we had bought with such joy was really a gift from you...to me.

I remember that day, a year ago...with painful clarity.

My sweet little men...how I love you.

I feel so betrayed by creation.

I feel so desperate.

I hear your brothers in playful battle outside, fully equip with foam swords and laughter...and I wish you were here to clap your little hands over their silliness, alongside your twin brother that we would never see. I wish you had seen the world you were so wanted in. I wish you were here nursing at my breast...with your brother...alive.

Instead, I'm left with only tears and longing. My brave front completely crumbling in the memories of who you might have been. Wishing I had a real sword to waive in the air in screaming fury, chopping apart the wind that stole you away....

Didn't you know how much I wanted you both? Didn't you want to stay with me? With your daddy? With the brothers that wanted you so much...?
Why did you leave? Why did you come to us at all if you weren't going to stay with us? Why did you leave?? It seems so unfair from every angle. I miss you both.. baby boys.

Alexander...Simon....I don't understand.

I have to trust that you both knew what had to be.

I have to trust that there is some answer that I can't see.

I have to...because there is nothing else.

Today, I'll go to the gully...I'll place my hands on the place where your ashes have seeped into the dirt...and I'll water the tiny yellow flowers nearby with my tears.

I'll keep moving forward...toward you. Always toward you.

This day...one year ago....was the saddest day of my life. Days have melted into a year. Gray has littered my hair. The corners of my eyes are raw and cracked from tears. The woman I was....is gone. You took her with you. Now I'm just a shell that tries to pretend I'm still me.

Your older brothers...they need me....but I'm so broken. I try....but I need your help. I'm so lost without you. You chose to leave...you made me stay....but I'm not REALLY here....not really.

Help me find the way back to myself.

Help me understand how to love you without losing myself.

Help me grasp a plan to go forward in joy.

Help me to trust this plan which seems WRONG on every level.

Help me to find the way back....

I'm lost.

And I miss both of you so.