Before you were gone...

The sun is shining outside; Just like it was last year.
The birds are singing outside; Just like they were last year.
The breeze is cool and inviting; Just like it was last year.
The trees are beginning to swell; Just like they were last year.

Last year, I was in love with my swollen pregnant belly...full of twin babies I was unaware existed. Last year, I felt the laughter that came with understanding I would always be the mother of sons. Many sons. I admit that I felt like a goddess. My glowing round belly the epitome of life incarnate.

Excited to know my family was growing.
Excited to know that my husbands book was ready for release...ready to be born. "Being Ourself"...the compilation of 10 years of hard work, spiritual surrender, and hope.

Trusting that there was a plan.

Almost a year has passed, and in looking back, I wish I could have known that my days with my pregnant belly were to be cut short. I wish I had known that I was the mother of twins. I wish I had known.....so much more than I knew.

But I didn't know.

I didn't know.

No one knew the real plan that would be unfolded in only a matter of days.

Now I stand, days away from the date that marks the complete upheaval of our lives...and there are no signs....no signs except for the heaviness of grief that trails on. No signs except for the raw corners of my eyes, and the quaking feeling that ebbs and flows within.

Yes...I smile more.
Yes...I am functioning "well".
Yes...my living children are laughing upstairs,
and Big shaggy Sheepdogs are peacefully in slumber nearby.


But the book....is still waiting for attention. Hoping that we have not let too much time elapse...hoping that our losses did not kill that beautiful book along with them. Hoping that all the hopes of last year are not completely dead. Hoping that there is hope.

Our babies. Simon and Alexander...gone. I remember how beautiful and happy you were in that place of golden flowers. The place between life and death. You showed me there was something else....something real. There you dance and play...waiting...waiting....

My heart is still beating.
My body still has hunger pains.
I still want to laugh.
I still enjoy the ecstasy of true, steadfast love.
I still walk forward.
every day.

every day.

But you are gone.

every day.

And because of this...every day contains a hole.

But the sun IS still shining.
And the birds ARE still singing.

And I am still here. Without you.

But here, just the same.