It's no joke.

April 1st 2010.


It is April Fools Day.



I've always loved a good joke.

But I'm not laughing today.

My 11 year old son came in my room this morning where I was reading and said with a sad look on his face "Mom...I accidentally stepped on Spyro." Spyro is my 6 year old sons little silver ferret. I jumped up in horror and cried out "Oh my god! Is he o.k.?!" and I started to cry.

His little face suddenly opened up in horror..."No mom...NO...he's o.k...April Fools Mom! I was just joking..."

I sat back down on the bed with tears on my cheeks. My son ran over to me and hugged me saying over and over that he was so sorry.

A joke.

Just a silly joke.

It's April Fools Day after all; and I KNEW it was April Fools Day, I'd been trying to think up silly pranks to play on the boys all night. Plotting. I'd sat down to breakfast with them all after giving them cereal and sat down at my spot with a huge plate of gorgeous strawberries. Their cereal looked quite dull in comparison. My 13 year old had raised his eyebrow and said "You get THAT and we get cereal??" I smiled sweetly and said "Yup." as I popped a big one into my mouth. But...I couldn't keep it up. The looks of injustice on their face made me giggle out a hearty "April FOOLS!" to them as I evenly distributed the strawberries into their cereal to shouts of joy. Ha ha....April Fools.

I could lay out the joke...but I couldn't take one. The idea of Spyro's little back being crushed by the heaviness of an 11 year old kid put me instantly into a panic. My nervous system screaming that I can't have ANY more loss! NOT ANY!

But it was only a joke.

My son felt terrible. A joke gone horribly wrong. I felt even worse than he did...because I had ruined his very well done joke with my sudden tears.

It's the way I am lately.

Later on, My 13 year old told me I had a booger on my shirt. I bought it....took my shirt off just to be sure...he thought it was HILARIOUS. gack! Even later in the day, my 6 year old who had been happily saying April fools jokes about anything and everything told me after I dropped off his brothers at Aikido that he had to throw up.

"O.k. sweetie...I get it...April fools silly boy!"

Nope.

He was serious. And so was the mess.

sigh.

On Monday, I sat in a waiting room while two of my children had their teeth cleaned and examined. Ferdinand lay curled up at my feet in puppy bliss looking very handsome in his new hair cut and snappy service dog vest. I looked out the window at the passing cars in the rain and waited. And waited. All of a sudden this big loud woman...well...o.k...she wasn't BIG...she just felt big. Her energy was big.

ANYWAY...we shall all agree that she was at least L O U D.....

She came in and was discussing all of her many "problems" with the secretary. This had gone wrong, and that had gone wrong. Her dry-cleaning wasn't done right, her cleaning lady was on vacation, she had to drive a rental car because her car was in the shop.....lots of problems. She waived to the secretary in an exaggerated way and said "But I don't worry about any of it...God doesn't give us more than we can handle!"

And at that moment my throat was blocked and a tiny earth quake started to tremble in my gut. I looked down as I felt my eyes fill with tears and I concentrated on the ugly pattern in the carpet with all my strength.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle?

BULLSHIT!

The innocent little catch phrase felt like daggers in my heart.

BULLSHIT!

I know LOTS of people, myself included, who have been given MOUNDS more than they can handle!

I sat there quaking inside...trying to breathe. To simply BREATHE took all my willpower.

Ferdinand looked up at me, cocking his head back and forth, sensing that something was very wrong with me. "It's o.k. Ferdinand....It's o.k..." He didn't seem all that convinced, and started licking my hand. It's something he does when he's worried about me, or at least, that IS how it seems.

His warm tongue was very soothing. (and that sentence makes me snicker....)

I was able to gather my emotions just in time as the dental hygienist asked me to come back to talk to the dentist about my children's teeth. I plastered a smile to my face and walked back with my dog. My wonderful, wonderful service dog.

It's April Fools Day. I played a prank on my children, I had a prank played on me...and people all over the world are telling each other that God won't give them more than they can handle. What a joke.

But, it's really not very funny.

Not at all.

Or maybe....

maybe it IS funny.

Maybe I just don't understand the joke.