Saturday, January 30, 2010

Runaway tears

My nervous system is shot.

A few days ago I was watching Ferdinand sleep after romping wildly with Felix in the yard. He was exhausted and plopped down with an audible "Ooomph", just like a tuckered out toddler. He pulled his Barney doll in close to him, wrapped his big paw around it and fell asleep. I just sat quietly on the couch in awe of his sweetness. Downstairs, I could hear Felix continuing his Tigger like romp....that puppy has more energy than he knows what to do with, or more accurately...more energy than I know what to do with.

In any case....I whispered to my husband to get his was a moment I didn't want to forget. We took the shot....and that is what you see above. My baby sleeping with one of his favorite toys. His Barney. Actually....once upon a time, it was my 19, almost 20 year olds Barney. It had been long forgotten, and one day, Ferdinand found it in the garage, and claimed it. My eldest didn't fact, he is mortified that he EVER adored Barney with the passion that only a four year old can. There was a time when that young man with the carefully styled hair and Model features would ONLY wear purple...and that included underwear.

In any case, I was smiling at my puppy...sweet Ferdinand the cuddle muffin....

and I often do....I began to cry.

and cry.

and cry.

My poor husband. I swear he doesn't know if I'm coming or going anymore. I was laughing about how sweet and lovely our darling baby pup is...and then, I was sobbing.

I can't explain it.

I don't understand it.

I don't enjoy it.

And....I can't stop it.

My thoughts began the whirlpool effect that is the result of trauma...a blur negativity, pain, anger, grief and core level lowliness. There I was, where only moments ago I'd been a state of terrible despair that I couldn't understand, or explain.

It just was.

It was as if my emotions have to flood over me at a certain fill matter how I think I am feeling. Because, the core of my innermost that feeling of terrible loss.

So, I could be laughing...enjoying myself...and if, at that moment, The fill level reaches it's peak....I'm going to suddenly find my laughing turning into sobbing. For no reason.

No...I take that back. There IS a reason. It's just not a CURRENT reason.

My nerves are shot.

Even the stress of laughter adds to the fill level.

I'm sick of runaway tears. Tears that come without provocation. Tears that interrupt the intimacy of my family. Tears that only make me feel more helpless. More alone.

I'm sick of runaway thoughts. Thoughts that tell me I don't deserve my husband. Thoughts that tell me my kids would be better off without me. Thoughts that tell me I'm not worth the effort.

It all brings to mind the Dementors of Harry Potter's magical world where I suddenly feel as if I'll never be cheerful again. I suddenly am in my worst nightmare...where mothers scream in pain over the death of their babies. Where husbands have had enough. Where someone loses their mind under the weight that the universe piles on top of them. The shit storm of life in it's fury.

Looking back...I simply see a picture of a warm sleepy puppy holding his Barney doll with all the tenderness of a young child blissfully asleep. It makes me smile again; but I still wonder....why the tears? When will the grief get me again? Unexpected? Unprovoked?

How can I find a safe place within. Where is my patronus charm to keep the dementors away? Harry Potter had to believe it was within himself in order to conjure it.

Maybe I just have to do the same thing.


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