Wednesday, January 20, 2010

What a gift....

What an amazing gift....

I've been scrambling today. Not in a literal sense, because really, in a literal sense, I've been STUCK. But...on an emotional sense, I've been scrambling.

Some days are a lot more difficult than others, for no apparent reason really. Maybe the moon is involved...maybe it's just an understandable cycle. But, whatever it's real. It's there.'s also invisible.

No one see's it. No one really wants to.

I make it through each day. I put the smile on when I add my only makeup source...lip gloss. No sense in anything else being painted on as it would only smear with the tears that WILL come in private moments. My children don't need to see me crying. again. My husband doesn't need to know that I still cry every single day. It would make him sad too...and would be worse.

No. I'm not back to being me. Will I ever be ME again?

Who the hell IS "ME" anyway???

Soooo....I've been here, busying myself with writing work, research, getting ready for a university class called "Grief, Loss, and Bereavement" the hopes that it might help me discover at least some MENTAL understanding of the cataclysmic disaster that was once my heart. I've been meaning to take a walk with the sheepies all day...and I WILL. But...I still haven't.

Anyway...the main that I was given a huge gift today from Aloha Remembered. They took a photo of my twins names on the beach of Oahu. This beach is very special to me. I spent two weeks of my life there...and it changed me. I dreamed in my pregnancy that I would teach my baby to swim in those buoyant day.

But...knowing they are spirit...forever. cheers this aching heart a little. Made me smile. And cry.

Aren't they beautiful??

Can't you just see them smiling?

I can.

and it warms my entire being.

1 comment:

  1. "Who the hell IS "ME" anyway???"
    I have been wondering the same thing lately...

    I think that your twins' names look so beautiful on that beach. So very, very perfect.


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