Saturday, August 22, 2009

Letting them go

Walking down the road that leads to the meadow where our special rock lay silently in a field of purple and yellow flowers. A procession of 7 people and a black and white puppy. My husband holding purple and yellow balloons and a small container that held the ashes, two boys holding purple and yellow candles, one holding a bouquet of purple and yellow flowers, one holding some coins, and one walking by my side while I guided our fluffy pup on a leash.

It was a truly lovely day...such a blue sky...a cool breeze...The balloons gently waiving.

When we got to the rock...we placed the candles, the flowers and the balloons around the rock. The candles were lit, and we took turns expressing our hearts to the babies we all wanted and loved. I felt silenced...unable to speak words to ears that were cremated into ashes...knowing they can hear my heart....and how it screams in pain for them to be in my arms...just to be in my arms. I whispered "I love you...I love you..." But nothing more would come. We sprinkled the ashes on the rock. My husband and I took turns placing our hand lovingly and gently on the ashes...rubbing the smudge into our own skin...making them part of us for all time. Our sweet sons placed their coins on the ashes. It was their idea--taken from the Greek myth that claims that souls need the coins to pay fare to cross the river "Styx"...I was so touched that they came up with the idea on their own, a way to aid their little brothers at least once with the love they have for them...with the humor they wanted to share with them.

We all held onto the balloons. My husband had purchased 7 balloons...7 for the family members left behind, 7 for the sons we love. On the way home...two of the balloons popped. A purple and a yellow one. So...we decided that the symbolism was that the five brothers were symbolized in the balloons that had not popped, and the two that had popped were our twins...they were going to be raised into the heavens with the strength of their brothers. We released them into the sky...and they flew up....up.........and far far away....until they could no longer be seen.

I took some of the petals from the flowers and placed them in the jar that had once held the ashes.

Looking up into the sky once more I whispered...."they are gone....they just disappeared."

My husband held me tight while I cried quietly and the boys embraced the two of us.

We walked home...and I was ever so glad to be holding my puppy in my arms...He licked the salt of my tears off my cheeks and felt so lovely and warm...I have to let my twins go...but I don't have to stop loving them...I don't have to stop wanting them...But I do have to let them go. They are on their way. I know they will stay in touch in the wondrous way of spirit. Yes....

It was such a beautiful day.



  1. What an absolutely beautiful way to honor your little ones. This post brought tears to my eyes.

  2. Thank you....I am adding some pictures now. It really was lovely...meaningful to us all.

  3. So precious and beautiful! Such a loving way to honor your Simon and Alexander on their due date. And to have your therapy baby puppy with you too! I had tears. Especially the part where you and your DH rubbed your hands in their ashes. so symbolic that they will always be apart of you both. Thank you for sharing such a personal moment with us, I felt your heart through you words! ((hugs))

  4. I'm so glad you honored Simon and Alexander this way. *hugs*

  5. This is so moving. So beautiful. Thinking of you and Simon and Alexander.


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