Grief turned inward...

So...I am "supposed" to be getting better..."supposed" to be getting over my babies dieing...."supposed" to be moving forward....

I smile more. I laugh more. I do more. I hold back tears more. I try to think about ANYTHING else. I am moving forward. Doing my life. Doing Yoga. Walking every day. Homeschooling my children. Playing ABC go Fish...and Clue... Getting a darling, fuzzy, wonderful puppy to love. Being a good mother, A good wife, A good cook. Being outwardly patient and smiley with family, friends, neighbors.

So...why did I hack my hair off in tears? Jagged clumps on the floor of what was once beautiful, long, chocolate and caramel colored wavy hair.... Looking worse with every chop. Why did I start ripping off a tiny mole on my neck in complete agitation? Leaving me no choice but to call my doctor to have her remove ALL my tiny little moles to prevent me from doing it again. Here I am biting my nails, and the skin around the bed of my nails creating painful hang nails....Basically ravaging myself quietly.

Went to my hair dresser that I see about...oh...once or twice a year. Took off my hat and begged her to fix what I had done. "Why did you do it?" was her question. I just shook my head and shrugged, not wanting to explain that what I really wanted to do was to shave it all off. To be as ugly and wretched as I felt inside.

She was able to layer it nicely...lots of curls...it looks much better. It feels lighter. No trace of my hack job--except that it is much much shorter.

My doctor, cutting off my moles, asked me "Why are you having these removed, they look fine."
My reply? "because I keep ripping them off."

She looked at me and said..."I'm worried about you."

"Don't be. I'm doing fine...a lot better...really." And I smiled and laughed a little..holding back the tears.

And that's what I tell everyone. I'm doing really good. I'm doing just fine. Getting better...see my clean house? See my happy family? See my wholesome cooking? See the folded laundry?

The weeded garden?

See?

You see...I am finally doing what I never could do before....I am neat...I am on top of it...I am in control. Do you like what you SEE???

I am in control of SOMETHING!!!!!

and my curls are laying in the garden...

and my scream is silent.

A good, clean, silent girl...for the first time in my life.
Nothing wrong here....nope...not a thing. All better.

silently bleeding. with a smile.

Somehow, it seems to me that tears are a lot more healthy than this repressed walk that satisfies and comforts the masses. I think I'll take it back....my right to cry. There isn't an alarm clock that is set after a loss that says "O.k....you've been sad about this for your allotted amount of weeks, now, BE HAPPY!!!"

No. No, that isn't how it works. There are days of sunshine..and days of rain filled skies. They balance each other. I think the days of sunshine are all the more brilliant in contrast to the days of gray clouds. Pretending that the clouds aren't there, when they ARE, is just denial...denial of reality.

I am getting better....and my babies are dead. I smile more each day...and I still find myself overcome with grief. I help other mama's who have lost their babies find some reason to go on, just as they help me. We are on this path...we have loss, and love, and tears and smiles. None are present without the reality of the other side.

Give me my tears...and let my curls grow again.

The smiles will come later, slowly at first...and then more frequently. But I will never be the me I once was before I was the mother of dead twins. I am a new me....a me that "gets" this kind of pain...this kind of heart break. This me is someone who can hold the hand of another...and understand without question.

Yes. I am getting better---and my tears are allowed to keep falling in the sunshine. That is how rainbows are made.