Wednesday, August 5, 2009

pushed under again...

I can hear the wind blowing through the trees in the night air. A storm is coming. The kids and I took a walk this evening, watching the storm clouds move in slowly as we walked, the wind picking up, the air getting cooler.

The boys are now in bed, with teeth brushed and stories read...and I am here, typing about the weather. But really, it isn't about the weather. The weather is just the catalyst for the story of my heart right now. It is the metaphor for how I feel right now. Like a storm is brewing. Like the rains of my heart are about to burst open in a massive outpouring.

What do you say to a person when they tell you you are lucky to have not been carrying girl twins since they had to die? As if it was more acceptable that they died because they were boys, and I already have five sons. What do you say to a person who means well and doesn't know what to say to such a horrible nightmare situation so says something unconsciously ugly to you?

I quietly replied that I love my boys...that they are sweet and tender and wonderful...and that I would have loved twin sons in my arms.

She waived that away with a laugh..."yes...but at least they weren't GIRLS...that would have driven you insane!"


The things people say.


It makes me want to stick my head in the toilet and drown myself just to prevent people from saying things that rip me apart...because, just for the record in case it has escaped anyone...I want my baby boys back. I was happy to have more boys. I would have been just as happy to have girls. I wanted my babies!!! It didn't MATTER to me if they were male or female...they were my babies; and I want them back.

Someone made a mistake...a terrible error...babies aren't supposed to be born dead to their parents. I am supposed to be the lady that is "made to have babies"...isn't that what everyone always told me in response to my big healthy beautiful family? Isn't that the purpose of these wide hips and large milk giving breasts?

It isn't selfish to want my babies back. It doesn't matter that I already have five sons...that doesn't make my twins disposable. We ALL wanted them. We were excited. We were ready.

I'm going to go and hide under the covers and let the lightning and thunder muffle my sobs...the universe can cry along with me....but the one thing I am sure of is that it will stop raining before my heart stops crying. A good thing...because if it rained as long as my tears fall we would all be covered in the sea.

I wish someone would build an ark for me. Sometimes I am so afraid I will drown in this grief.

Maybe my new puppy will like to swim. Maybe he can be my life boat and bring me back to shore.


  1. i think life boats can take all forms. i sure hope your little puppy eases your grief.

    honey, i'm so sorry that woman said that to you. i can relate because i have 3 boys, Matthew would have been my fourth. i have gotten so many of the 'boy' comments. they really suck. i KNOW how much you wanted and want your babies. even though i know you want to, you don't have to prove that to anyone. ((((hugs))))

  2. Oh sweetie!! ((hugs))
    That is a horrible thing for anyone to say to you. I don't understand how people come up with these horrible, offensive ideas and actually have the nerve to share them with us in an effort to "help." Freja was my third daughter, so I fully understand just how much you love your sons, all seven of them! I find myself not wanting to go out much, just to avoid anthing stupid that people might be inclined to say. If I hear "Well, life goes on, what can you do?" one more time, I'm going to snap. That DOESN`T help to hear. Of course I know life goes on.... But it doesn`t ease the pain any... ((hugs)) And thank you for the beautiful notes you`ve been leaving on my blog, they really come from your heart I`m very grateful.

  3. I'm so sorry mama! After reading that I am ever so grateful for my overwhelming empathy for you and the 3 other mamas who've lost their babies...and here I am always wondering if I'm wrong for writing my empathy for you 4. I can't imagine how it would feel to be that cold and careless with words and emotions. I just don't understand it! I'm so sorry you had to hear that!(((hugs)))


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