I think my brain has melted!!!!!!!

Yes.  You heard me right.  My brain has melted. 

It happened yesterday at my midwife appointment. 

I don't know my midwife very well.  I switched to her because my home birth midwife was less than....uh...wonderful...when we lost Simon and Alexander.  She wanted me to "buck up" after only 2 weeks.  That was 3 weeks before we even knew about our twin.  You know...the one that was rotting inside me.  I suppose I could have been more stoic.  Braver.  I could have, I suppose, stuffed my feelings deep inside and took on the song "Don't Cry Out Loud" as my mantra for life at that moment. 

But...I didn't.  I sobbed.  I wailed.  I could barely move.  I was....to be mild about it...devastated.  And that was BEFORE I knew I had had twins. 

She couldn't handle it.  She wanted me to get on with my life...to be grateful for all that I have.  And...in addition, when my husband tried to explain grief to her from a therapist's point of view, she looked at him steadily and said "Ty, I'd like to give you some honest feedback.  You talk too much." 

Wow. 

So...the woman that attended 3 of my five living births and the stillbirth of my twins....will not be attending this baby's birth. 

However...I'm too chicken to have another home birth.  Not because I think it's dangerous.  No...it's because of the fact that I live in a small city.  The midwives are all friends.  There is no way to choose another midwife without hurting my old midwifes feelings deeply.  And though I do NOT want her at another birth....I don't want to hurt her either.  Even if I could "get over" how off I feel she was after our loss, I couldn't ever step foot in her home for a prenatal appointment.  I couldn't ever do that.  Not after....no.  Not after all that went on. 

So, I am planning on a birth center birth.  With a Nurse Midwife.  I like the center well enough.  I am especially keen on the big birthing spa.  I've always wanted a water birth.  But.....Nurse Midwives are a little more...medical...than I am comfortable with.  They do things....by the book. 

The question is:  Who writes the book? 

I expect some differences.  I do.  But...when she told me that if my baby was "too big" as in over 10 pounds that I'd be having a hospital birth....I wanted to scream.  Why?  Because I have had babies that were about 10 pounds...and one who was almost 11.  And....it took about 2-3 pushes to get them out.  No big deal.  I have a wide pelvis.  The practically FALL out once they are in position. 

I told her this.  I told her that it seemed to me that it would make sense to worry about a woman who had an unproven ability to deliver a large baby.  It did NOT make sense to worry about ME having a large baby.  I've done it multiple times.  Easily. 

My husband, ever the supportive man, went off on a tangent about unrealistic expectations in our culture wherein woman are penalized for being fuller even when there is no risk involved.  He loves me.  And my body.  He loves our big healthy babies.  He did not like that she was suggesting a change in my meticulously healthy diet in favor of slowing my weight gain, and creating a smaller baby.  He didn't like it one bit.  He called it Bariatrisism: his word for discrimination of larger people. 

My husband is a very slender, fit, tall, handsome man.  He loves his short, fit, plump wife.  He feels very protective of me.  I felt loved....but also concerned. 

I won't have my baby in the hospital unless it is a real EMERGENCY.  I have not had positive experiences in hospitals.  They are places of death and scary snap second choices.  Places where they do things I have asked them NOT to do...like give me morphine, which I am deathly allergic to.  I have counseled numerous women to birth where they feel safe.  I don't feel safe in hospitals.  At all. 

My options?  Ignore her completely and continue eating healthy foods and hiking every single day, risking that this baby, like my others...will be BIG.   Too big to be allowed in the birth center.  OR....cut out fruit and grains and dairy.....and live on meat and veggies to cut back on my carbs and live like a diabetic even though my sugar testing is perfect.  I am completely healthy in every way.  But...I'm overweight.  I am more active than my skinny friends.  But...I gain about 60 pounds in pregnancy, no matter what I do.  I am completely aware of my dietary intake and it's caloric content.  But...I have large healthy babies.  Babies that I have no problem pushing OUT when it is time.  I have never torn.  ever.  It's really not a problem.  For me.

So that's an issue.  It made my husband and I uncomfortable to be handed this information.  We felt...monitored. We are already both completely anxious about the possibility of this baby dying too.  We don't want our birth "stolen" from us again. 

But, none of that is why my brain is melting. 

No.  My brain is melting for another reason all together. 

My brain is melting because....

Our midwife did an ultrasound.  And.....(drum roll please!!)

We

are

having

a



......................G   I   R   L  !!!!!!!!!!!


Every part of my being is in total SHOCK.

A girl?  Are you sure?  How?  What?  OH MY GOD!!!!

I have given birth to 7 boys.  5 of whom are alive.   I have spent my life protecting my sons from the assumptions that our culture has about boys.  I have spent my life joyfully nurturing the gentle tenderness that is a little boy.  And now.....

A girl.

A girl who has a different set of assumptions already ahead.  "Girls are hard"  "Girls are manipulative"  "Girls are emotional"  "Girls are a problem as teens"  "Girls are catty"  "Girls are more expensive"  "Girls are : fill in the blank." 

I am having a daughter.  Unless life steals her from me.  I am having a daughter.  A young woman who will grow and blossom with 5 living older brothers to keep her in line. 

The myths about boys have not been true for my sons. 

I don't believe they will be true for my daughter either.  I have a new mission.  To protect her from our cultural assumptions of what a girl "is". 

But...for now...my brain is melting. 
With Joy!