Fessing Up...

So...here it goes.  Time to fess up.  I've hinted and hemmed and hawed.  But...I've not really SAID it here. 

I'm pregnant. 

I just hit the second trimester this week. 

And, I'm very honestly...terrified.

Happy yes.

Terrified...even more.

A wonderful baby loss mama over at Once a Mother just gave birth to twins...beautiful perfect twins.  She's been waiting and hoping and worrying for so long...I couldn't be happier for her.  She needed them.  So very very very much.  I saw their pictures and I just thrilled to the core for her.  And, of course, I cried too.  I am not jealous OF her...but I'm missing Simon and Alexander...the idea of them.  What it would have been like to have twins.  .  . Which...I am not having this time. 

This time, there is a little jumping Jack (or Jill) inside of me....he (or she) moves around with such vigor there can be no lingering doubt that maybe...just maybe...there might be two...like before.  Not this time.  Just one.

Now, I'm HAPPY....but when my midwife said happily "You'll be happy to note there's just one..."  I froze inside.  Why would that make me happy?  She didn't think obviously...and I tried to brush it off.  Of course she would think that would make me happy.  I have five sons.  Living.  Who in their right mind would want twins after FIVE living sons? 

One more is really more than I could handle...right? 

It's o.k...really.  I'm really in love with this baby.  My baby.  Created under the light of Venus in love with the man who holds my hand in good times and bad.

A star baby.  MY star baby. 

And I tell my husband every day how  much I want to hold this baby...alive...in my arms.  How very very much I want my rainbow.   Sweet Kristin...and her beautiful snowflakes...you have given me a little hope.  You MADE it.  They are with you.  Safe.  Sound.  Healthy.  In your arms.  Where they belong.  You DID it.

I'm hoping that in August...I'll find that kind of healing too. 

So why is there a lump in my throat? 

Fear.

Fear about the fact that their are no promises for happy endings. 

Fear about the fact that I can not know the future holds a healthy alive baby for me.

Fear that my children will be crushed by another loss.

Fear that my husband will hold that pain in his eyes forever.

Fear that I will never trust life again.

Fear.

I am pregnant.  Beautifully so.  Happily so.

And I'm going to need a lot of strength to enjoy what that IS.  Right now. 

This is a new time.

A new pregnancy.

I'm not having twins.

I have no expectations.

I do, however, have wishes.

For my rainbow star baby.  My star child.

Please...please come home to us.  We need you so.