The dead baby card.

Yesterday I was walking with my husband and our two sheepdog pups Ferdinand and Felix. I was trying to explain that for me....the idea of never having another baby feels like the worst thing I can imagine. Even though, I can't think of a single sane reason to just...."DO it." We have four little boys at home. My eldest is trying out life on his own. We never have anything in savings. Each month is paycheck to paycheck. We can pay our bills, and feed our family, and our pets...but...if anything was to happen??? AGAIN??? we'd be screwed.

So...I was explaining that for me, the last image I have of childbirth is holding my dead baby...dieing, and getting to be with him....waiting a month...dieing again...and finding out I had a twin.

I have dead baby dreams every night.

I lay in bed sobbing silently to avoid waking my husband.

And yet...I am also aware that the world around me thought that pregnancy was "over the top". Only acceptable because it was "an accident". And on that note...why would I want ANOTHER when the children I lost were "an accident" to begin with.

Why would I want to add more chaos to a chaotic life. Why would I crave my life coming to a standstill with the abundant need that IS life with a new baby? Why would I ask my sweet husband to add MORE to his life? Why would I want to take the risk of it happening ALL OVER AGAIN???

and most importantly...how could I be so selfish as to desire to bring a baby into this body that is filled with anxiety chemicals that would be potentially harmful to a forming nervous system? How could I promise that baby a safe, gentle place to grow when I am a complete psychological disaster?

I can't.

and yet....my heart WANTS a different ending. My heart is screaming to hold a little baby that is alive and pink and wonderfully wonderful!

But...it's not rational at all.

Not even a little bit.

My husband admits that though there's the part that would be open to it if it happened....isn't willing to really TRY for that...because like I said...It wouldn't be rational AT ALL.

Today, I had to talk with a bill collector. I have a fair amount of those you see...because I am over loaded with debt from the past two years of craziness that has been our life. My eldest was almost killed 2 1/2 years ago, and the bills sucked up everything we had. Then....we had this horrible loss....dead babies...mommy almost dieing twice...and WANTING to die in the months following. The bills became completely more than we could do.

So...we didn't.

But...I've been working in the past few months which is really helping. Freelancing helped us pay for Christmas. My father helped us with our only car. Freelancing continues to pay...and so, I have a chunk of money that was ear-marked to paying bills off...if possible. I had $14,000 in debt. I began to call them all. One by one. The first one felt impossible...I explained, pleaded and even cried. Feeling so helpless because they wouldn't budge on the amount...even though most of it is late fees and fines. A thickly Indian sounding voice stayed firm and instructed me not to cry. Told me to get a drink of water and call again when I wasn't crying. He told me that he understood how I felt...that lots of people have bills they can't pay.

"You understand how I feel? Tell me...have you ever held your dead baby in your arms? Have you ever done that?"

"no ma'am...no..I haven't done that thanks to God."

"Then...you do not know how I feel. You have no idea what I've been through."

He asked me to hold.

He came back and offered me a huge settlement...one that I could pay.

I called the next one...and instead of being prideful and simply saying I'd had "medical expenses"...I told them the truth...the bare terrible truth.
Every single debtor reduced my debt to about 30 cents or less on the dollar.

I had $5000 dollars to pay the entire lot of bills...$5000 to pay $14,000.

I have $171 left. All the bills are paid. And I feel like a jerk....because I played the dead baby card...and won.

I don't deserve to have another baby.

I don't have any debt (with the exception of my mortgage and student loans)...but...I wish I did. I wish I had debt...because having to explain why I was in the shape I am in to dozens of strangers who now get to dream about dead babies...about what that would be like....well....it makes me hang my head in shame and cry.

Because...no one should have to think about it. Ignorance is bliss...and I just stole it from people I don't even know. People...who didn't need to know. People who will go to bed tonight knowing that dead babies still happen. And that it could happen to them.

anytime.