Thirty six weeks.
That's what the calender says today.
Thirty six weeks.
This is a road I've not traveled before. The thirty six week mark of pregnancy...without confidence.
Oh sure, it flutters here and there...the sense that all will be well.
But doubt follows closely. Fear. Grief.
It's the grief that gets me down. It's the understanding that while "she" seems to be coming..."they" never will.
It's the stark truth that while "she" may make it...."they"...did not.
It is that eye opening fact that makes me wonder if pain will ever leave this heart.
Even when rosebud lips smile in my direction.
Oh yes...I love her already. Treasure her more deeply than one would think possible. She is my rainbow light. My one and only daughter. My star child.
She will, I'm sure, radiate her brilliance throughout my world. And, it pains me to know that as she grows...she will see that unspoken tear in my eyes...and she will know of loss even without touching it herself, which I pray she never will.
I am waiting. Thirty six weeks today. The midwife will do her non stress test, which, while she finds it comforting...I simply find it stressful to be in what seems like a completely healthy and normal pregnancy which is being treated like a time bomb. All the tests. All the....silence...as we wait....for the glimmer of normality. Which...is always there.
Always.
So I wait...
For the end.
You are not waiting alone. Know that around the world, you are being held in love and hope by so many of us.
ReplyDeleteI can't say it better than Jill already has.
ReplyDeleteIt's the stark truth that while "she" may make it...."they"...did not This sent a chill of recognition down my spine, I still have trouble reconciling the fact that my pregnancy with R was so . . normal but I couldn't hold on to the twins. It just makes me feel very, very sad. I wish I could have done the same for them.
Waiting with you xo