Sunday, March 20, 2011

Feeling Rather Blue for Some Reason...

Well...maybe blue isn't the right color. How about gray?

I know I should be happy. My baby is alive.

I know I should be grateful. My baby is alive.

I know I should be calm. My baby is alive.

I know I shouldn't worry. My baby is alive.

My baby is alive.

Right now.

As far as I know.

If you can't handle the idea that babies sometimes don't make it home...spare yourself...don't read any more. I'm sorry...I just needed to vent my...whatever it is.

I remember a person who believed in birth. A woman who believed in the natural, living, process of birth. A strong woman, who even taught other women, that they could do it. And I BELIEVED it. With all my heart. Yes...I was always cautious in the first trimester. I'd had I knew that phase was...untrustworthy. I knew not all babies were viable in the first trimester. Viable...isn't that a nice, neat, scientific word???

But then...I lost Simon and Alexander. Stillbirth. So unexpected. So....pointless. Nothing wrong...just loss. Something that was from memoirs of our great grandmothers. Something that happened in third world countries. Not to my sisters. Not to me.

Suddenly, all the "it was meant to be's" of early miscarriage were....wrong.

There was nothing wrong with them. They just died. And left me here on earth without them to find my way through loss without reason.

I'm pregnant. And nothing is wrong. I should be laughing with ecstatic joy!!! Sometimes I do...

But this evening, I have a lump in my throat. And I'm having a hard time meditating that lump away. I'm having a hard time distracting myself from the fact that I never know from one appointment to the next what is going on inside of me...because I still can't FEEL any movement. It's driving me crazy. I can't feel him or her. I look pregnant. MIGHTY pregnant. I look about 6 or 7 months of pregnant though I'm 17 weeks, into the second trimester with a rainbow star baby who is, supposedly, the size of a turnip...but I can't feel anything. I can't even hear anything with my feta-scope. So, I have another official appointment on Wednesday, and I've been in EVERY week this month (for unofficial panic visits) ...just to hear it again. Just to check. Just to make sure....

I won a baby sling today. A beautiful designer sewfunky baby sling. Check out their site...these slings are truly lovely.
And I won.
I want to believe I won because I have a rainbow baby on the way that will NEED it. I want to believe in this baby. I want this baby with all my being. For me. For my husband. For our sons. For the healing he or she will bring. For the love she or he will add to our lives. I've been lovingly told that it's good luck to buy things for your rainbow baby. 

I don't want any more loss.

I want to push it out of my mind and be the happy, confident person I used to be. I want a person like I used to be to hold me and tell me that I don't have to worry...because birth works. Most of the time.

MOST of the time. MOST of the time everything is perfectly fine.

I want it to be perfectly fine again and I want to forget that it has ever been otherwise.
I want innocence. Confidence. Hope. Joy. Expectation. The ability to plan and nest and be HAPPY. The ability to feel lucky and truly blessed!!

I just want to be happy. Really, truly happy. The kind of happy I used to be.

This baby deserves a happy mama. My family deserves a happy mama.

I wish I could win an unbroken heart in a contest. Boy...that would be a gift.
A miracle.

Hey...mama's who have been in this did you cope?  How did you make it through all the worry and fear and....tears?  How did you do this?  I wish I knew HOW...but this is really new for me.  I don't know the answers.  For anyone who knows me, I am not someone who likes not knowing the answers.  Please help me.  I need some coping skills that I don't seem to possess.  How did you do it?  How did you believe again? 


  1. I have had so many of the same feelings and the emotions kept changing throughout my pregnancy after loss. It is just so hard at times. Feel free to look back at my pregnancy after loss blog ( if you would like. I too wish I could win an unbroken heart. Sending many good thoughts your way and always thinking of you! xxx

  2. I dont want any more loss either... Holding you close to my heart and sending much love.

  3. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful friend who had been through pregnancies after loss. I can't count the number of times I called her to tell her I was worried because I'd had some cramping or was it round ligament pain or maybe my water broke/was leaking or the baby hadn't moved enough/at all today, or I was just plain irrationally, uexplainably scared that I would lose this baby too. She would reassure me that everything was probably fine, but best of all she would tell me that it was OK to feel this way. That I had EARNED the right to be crazy and paranoid. She gave me the permission I needed to allow myself to not feel guilty for felling all those things unlike so many others who would tell me to not orry or to think positively. It is so normal. We who have been through this know all to well that sometimes pregnancy does NOT equal a living, healthy baby in the end. My dear frind would then encourage me to call my dr and she'd explain for the millioneth time that that's what I was paying the dr to do. Having someone to share the harrowing and hopefully joyful journey of pregnancy after loss is vital. Good luck with your rainbow baby. I will be praying for you all!


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