Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A Sunny Day...A Sunny Feeling.

It's lovely out.  Big blue Montana sky.  The color of a robins egg.  I can hear my boys on the trampoline...a sure sign that the weather is good and the snow has dissipated enough to let them jump.  I can hear the dogs wrestling outside happily.  I even hear birds....I can hear ALL of this, because my windows are open!!  Spring.  I love Spring.

I am particularly chipper this morning.  Unusually so.

There is something about feeling my baby move inside that brightens my heart.

It seemed like it would never happen.  In all my years of mothering, I have to say I've never had to wait so long before feeling my babies move.  But...he or she is in there.  And, today, I feel that without doubt.  It was about 3 minutes of blissful movement in the wee hours of morning, when I was debating on whether I really wanted to wake up or not.  The movement decided.  I was awake....but....blissfully still.  Just feeling.  Life.

I have a midwife appointment today.  The first one I've been happy about.  I know there is life inside.  I know she'll hear a heart beat.  I know....because....I felt it.  Only hours ago.

I'm greedy for it though.  It was this morning...and now it's 2:00.  I can't wait to feel that little person again.  I literally can't wait.

Today is a happy day.  I struggle daily to find positivity.  I am not always successful.  Let's be honest.  I am usually only successful for moments at a time.  If I'm lucky.

But...I've been happy all day.  Beautiful weather indicates I will soon be able to turn my garden.  Or....again, let's be honest....have my sons and husband turn my garden.  heh heh.  My fuzzi bunz cloth diapers arrived.  The woman included a teddy bear that has "my first bear" monogrammed on the tummy, and a lovely blanket of cream and taupe.  A blanket to wrap my baby in.  MY baby.  Who WILL be coming home!!!!  (notice the emphatic demand?)  And....beautiful movement.  From my Happy Jack (or Venus).  (notice the assumption that a woman who has had 7 sons, 5 of whom are living beautifully, assumes she will have another son.)

It is a beautiful day...and I will walk down the hill a few miles to my midwifes birth center around 5:00.

It is a beautiful day...and I want to keep it that way.

Beggers can't be nerves are really enjoying a little break from the pain of fear, loss, and grief.

Hoping you are all having beautiful moments where you are as well.  It helps to know these moments can exist after the blackness.

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