Testing the Fates...

I just won on a bid I placed on E-bay.  I just won on a bid.  I know that doesn't sound like a big deal...but...

It is.

It is a really big deal.  For me.

It's a big deal because...well...it was for a brand new lot of 24 all in one, one size fits 0 to 3 years, cream colored Fuzzi Bunz diapers.  For $305.  Over $100 less than it would cost to buy 24 of this type of  diaper...

Now, in my fantasy, I would have gotten to pick a rainbow assortment of diapers.  I had budgeted for 18 of this diaper...and that was pushing it a bit.  But, when I saw the lot of 24 new ones, I had to admit that it could be a real bargain, even if they were "cream" instead of rainbow.  So...I bid.

Honestly...it's not that it's a big deal when you really think of it....but...it IS a big deal to me because...because I know that I might have just wasted my families money.  $305 dollars is a lot for us.  Especially if there is no baby in the end. 

I emailed the seller...because I was curious about why she would be selling so many brand new amazing all in one fuzzi bunz (can you tell I loooove these diapers?)  I emailed her because I wondered why she had never used them.  I wondered if she had lost her baby too.  It turned out that her mother had bought them, but that she preferred the idea of disposables because they did not have a washing machine.  The mom had thought 24 would be enough without a washing machine, but the new mom wasn't "into it".  I wish I had a mom that wanted to buy me diapers. But...that's another tale.
Anyway...
I drooled over this type of diaper when pregnant with Simon and Alexander...that was when my sweet man was unemployed, and there was no way in hell I would be able to have even one of them. I already had dozens of pre-folds and tons of diaper covers...lovely cottony ones.

And then...they died.  I got rid of every other cloth diapering thing I had.  I got rid of the co-sleeper.  I got rid of ALL the baby items.  ALL of them.  Except one little outfit.  The one I'd intended for my baby before I knew I had twins nestled within me.  One little cream and brown striped outfit that had been lovingly picked.  I couldn't bear to part with it.  But everything else.....everything....my slings, my nursing pads....everything...went.  Gone.  Given away.  I could have sold it all.  But....I didn't have the oomph to do it.  So I gave it all away.  And now...I'm trying to find the courage to replace it all.

It's expensive to replace it all.

And part of me...the scared part...wanted to wait until I had a live beautiful baby in my arms.  Part of me...the anxious part...wanted to know everything was perfect to prevent wasting a penny of my families precious resources.  Part of me....doesn't believe it will turn out o.k...

In trying to combat that very negative fearful person...I told my husband that I wanted to bid on these diapers.  They really seemed like a great deal.  I started my bid at $125.  A few moments ago...I saw the price climbing...and climbing.  It really WAS a great deal....even after watching it climb, I knew how much 24 of this particular diaper cost.

Suddenly...letting the diapers go to someone else almost felt like giving up on this baby.

And...I COULD NOT LET MYSELF!!!

I bid again.  And again.  Knowing that my limit was $10 below cost.  Even though that was silly...because I could have had all the colors I drool over at that price.  I bid in the last 32 seconds...and watched it tick away and wondered if someone else would bid higher.  31. 30. 29. I bit my lip so hard it bled.  19. 18. 17. 16. I started to feel my throat close up.  9. 8. 6. I started to cry.  5. 4. 3. 2. 1. 0.

"You are the highest bidder at $305."

I sobbed.

I won.  I saved over $100 dollars.  $140 to be exact.  For 24 cream colored, never before used, soft, fuzzy, all in one, one size fits 0-3, snappy set, beautiful fuzzi bunz diapers.  All mine.  Every single one of them.  Mine. For my baby.  For my rainbow baby.  My star child.

And then, the panic set in.  What if.....what if I get them....and it's all for nothing.

And, it wasn't about the money.  It was about more loss.  And I cried some more.  I was so grateful my kids were taking turns on the Wii fit; it helped to give me space to have a panic attack.

I just won 24 perfect diapers.  For a perfect baby who I want more than anything. 

The diapers will come.  They are guaranteed to arrive within a week.  I will have those diapers, of that I can be sure.  The baby however....the baby is not guaranteed to arrive.  And I have to live with that truth.  There is nothing I can do about it.  Except continue forward as if I am not afraid, because this baby deserves to have a mom who is excited to nest...who has high hopes...who has prepared for his or her arrival with all the joy I had with all my babies.  Including Simon and Alexander.

I hope that other mama's will donate clothes, a co-sleeper, a car seat....and everything else I will need.  Because I just spent it all on diapers.

And...it was something I had to do no matter how silly it seems.  Because...though it feels like testing the fates....It mattered to me.  It is empowering to me.  I needed to be able to do something like that...for my star baby.

And now....I wait.