"What the Hell are you Guys Thinking???"

The doors open...

But it doesn't seem like anyone is coming to visit.  Yet.

Instead, I'm walking by myself in this body next to a flowing river of reminders and contradictions.

This was a hectic week.  The kind of week that would make any sane person wonder why we have opened that door again.  "What the HELL are you guys thinking???"  My lovely 14 year old began school after a lifetime of being home schooled.  Chinese, Drama, Choir, Biology, English, P.E. and Math now house 8 hours of his day...and then, if this week is any indication of the future, 6 more hours of homework each night.  He's doing beautifully...thumbs up to the power of homeschooling with free-styled enthusiasm.  He hasn't missed a beat.

But I sure miss him...

I miss his constant musical presence, his funny jokes, his help...his BE-ingness.

Our younger kiddos miss him too.  But, they are finding a new rhythm with each other without their older brother paving the way.  And, it's all good...I'm pleased with what I see.  I'm pleased with who they are. 

I'm taking two classes at the University.  I take Ferdinand with me...and I admit that I am awfully glad I do.  He just sleeps the whole time...but I can reach down and snuggle with his fur as needed.  (often)  My profs are so enchanted with his loveliness that they never even questioned his giant presence in the room--because I do so need him.  "What the HELL are you guys thinking???"   I have a great sociology major coming to the house while I am gone to teach the boys Italian and Piano...she also cleans the house.  It's wonderful really.  She's awesome...so much energy...

The boys are also learning bass, keyboards, drums and guitar in band format with a music recorder...he's a little odd...but he's doing a wonderful job.  And, of course, Ham still plays bagpipes with the Celtic Dragons.
They are continuing Aikido as well.  And Ty still does his band...and works more than full time as a wondrous therapist for so many down trodden heartbroken life-broken people. 

My computer broke last week...not just glitching but...DIED.  I had to buy a new one.  Not "wanted" to buy...but HAD to buy.  Several deadlines for writing work demanded it.  It's funny...I never dreamed I would be so dependent on a computer for anything important, but as a freelance writer...it's my job.  And we depend on my ability to work, hence I depend...deeply...on my computer.   So...I got a new one.  Just in time to realize that now that my 14 year old is in high school, he ALSO needs a computer.  He spent 6 hours on this one for his homework on Thursday.  Needless to say I didn't get much work done as a result.  Yeah...the kids need their own computer.  Computers are expensive.  "What the HELL are you guys thinking???"    

Our busy week also enlightened me to the fact that this family of almost 16 years that has happily existed with ONE car suddenly needs...TWO.  Not wants....NEEDS.   "What the HELL are you guys thinking???" 

The time frame of vehicle need demands it.  The time frame of action needs prohibit the bus.  or bike.  or...feet.
Oh...and I got pulled over on the way home today from a Chinese restaurant because I didn't fully stop at a completely abandoned intersection.  And my wallet was at home.  shiiiiiiiiiiiiitttt.  Luckily...the police officer was a nice young man and didn't ticket me.  He could see my husband with a full latte' and four kids in the back looking ever so sweet with our darling sheepie.  But...oh...by the way...in addition to me driving without my license...I had not put the insurance card in our new car.  Because...I forgot.  shiiiiiiiiitttttt. 

This busy life.... 
  "What the HELL are you guys thinking???"
It's halted my ability to get to hot yoga.
  "What the HELL are you guys thinking???"
And for anyone who has been reading here....you know that is bad news.

Real bad news.

We are talking....BAD.

I keep thinking if I just work a little harder, move a little faster, reach a little further...that I'll find a way.
  "What the HELL are you guys thinking???"
But I wrote everything on the calender.

And with one family car.

It can't happen.  It won't happen.  And...cars are expensive.  "What the HELL are you guys thinking???"

So...whether it was my jolting hormones, the disappointment of seeing my period arrive after being so hopeful in spite of my best efforts to "play it calm and carefree", or the high pressured week...I lost my cool.  Again. 

I could see that no matter how I juggled life around...as long as we have one car...it is impossible to take care of ME.   "What the HELL are you guys thinking???"  Now, I've been a mom for a loooong time.  20 and a half years.  I used to tell my friends that I didn't need "me time".

But times have changed.

I have changed.

It isn't that I want to get away from my children or my husband or my work.  It isn't that I don't enjoy my classes or my home.

It's just that I'm like a pressure cooker now.  My eldest son suffering a life altering brain injury followed by losing Simon and Alexander in such a grizzly way....oh god...a three year period of emotional trauma...and  I can feel my nervous system sizzling in the aftermath.   "What the HELL are you guys thinking???"   It begins when I skip a day of hot yoga.  The little groan within.  It gets stifled with the promise of "tomorrow".  But...when tomorrow becomes another tomorrow and another tomorrow....and another....and another.......and then, becomes the realization that it might be...next week.  next month.  and then....becomes...."I don't know when", well...that's when the temperature gets turned up.   

I can literally feel my neurons screaming.

And that little voice that never used to be part of who I was screams "WHAT ABOUT ME???"

Oh the shame.  To "need" anything just for pleasure.  A complete luxury really.  To "want".

But, to be really honest...the only fair comparison is this:  If you had spent a year in utter misery...feeling a dark cloud around the core of your being...wishing you could fling yourself out of a glass window, chop off your hair, or tattoo the word "PAIN" on your forehead just so people would GET it....and then, you found a magic pill that lightened the pain...calmed the hurt....gave you back your breath....well...if someone told you two months later, after you had re-discovered laughter and hope, that you couldn't have that pill for a few months....or maybe ever again...   "What the HELL are you guys thinking???"

well....that's what not having hot yoga is for me.  It's that magic pill that offered me my life again.  It calmed the storm...gave me back my hope.

But...I haven't taken that magic pill for a few weeks.  First due to a lovely vacation...then...to illness....then....to....life.  

I know I have to DEMAND it back. I know that.

Honestly, I am a mom.  I've been a mom since I was 15.  I'm used to waiting for "my time".  I'm used to putting everything else first.  Everyone else...first.

Ty understands that.  Sometimes he says that it can take a temper tantrum to really express the importance of something.  So that the people around you understand how very important something IS.  We always saw that if our kids had a rare tantrum...and we see in now...in me.  

I got a fortune cookie tonight at a Chinese restaurant...It said: "Make sure the pace of life doesn't interrupt the ability to care for yourself."  
 "What the HELL are you guys thinking???"

Little purple and yellow shoes sit over looking footprints of tiny feet...the promise that the door is open.  That someone is welcome to walk through and claim those little shoes.

A loving man...living the same pace of life alongside me.  .  . He knows we have to find a way to make hot yoga a regular part of our lives.  The nervous breakdowns insist upon that.  Sometimes a tantrum is the best way to express the dire needs we have in life.  Sometimes a fortune cookie makes it all clear.

And to those of you who read these words...thank you.  Thank you for witnessing my journey...for not making me walk alone in the night.  For understanding and sharing your own reflections on life.

Thank you.  Thank you for not asking me... "What the hell are you guys thinking?!"  I'm already asking myself that question...and the only answer I can come up with is that not being open to life...simply feels like death.