Thursday, March 11, 2010

Longing for Control...

The sun is shining, making the layers of recently fallen snow glitter and sparkle like a blanket of frozen teardrops. Last year at this time, I might have said they glittered and sparkled like are frozen teardrops.

It's the juxtaposition of that statement that invites me to state it in that fashion. The dialectic between a sunny sky filled with golden sun rays and gliding birds overlooking a frozen valley of tears. Because today...that is how I feel. I can see that sun's inviting warmth...but I am down here in the cold.

I suppose that is considered improvement because I can, at least, see the rays of sunshine around me.

But down here in the cold, frozen wrath of life, my beautiful 6 year old little Bear came in from the snow in gasping tears, for our beloved rolly poly sheepdog puppies were taking turns chewing on his most coveted little stuffed raccoon..."Eddie". He keeps it, usually, high and safe on his top bunk perch in his room, but it seems that little Eddie must have tumbled down from the arms of his sleeping friend, and fallen into the toothy grip of Felix, who, in a sense of brotherly companionship, shared him willingly with Ferdinand. My sweet little boy found them in a tug of war with Eddie's head in Felix's mouth, and his tail in Ferdinand's.

More loss. More devastation. To little Bear, my sweet brown eyed darling...Eddie is his dear friend. Not just a stuffed animal. His loss is painful...real. At this moment, I have a mangled Eddie sitting next to my computer as I try to grope in my mind for how I can "fix" him as requested. His nose is gone. chewed completely to smithereens. I can't imagine that a "new" Eddie would ever pass the bar. Eddie is Eddie. A new toy wouldn't be Eddie. How can I fix it? How can I make it right again?

Where is the magic that all moms are supposed to have to kiss the pain away?

I don't have it.

I can't fix it.

I can't make it better.

This truth is glaring at me from all corners of my life.

I can't bring what is lost back.

I can't fix anything to make it whole again.

I can't make it better.

I can't control loss from occurring again and again...

And...I can't stop the tears, or heal the hearts that are broken.

I can't rewind life to do it over differently.

Eddie has been mangled, irreparably...never to look as he looked before.

And Simon and Alexander are gone.



  1. I know that there are so many things we can't do-but there are so many things we CAN do, too! And you are great at them!
    This is so hard. Just so, so hard.
    Sending you hugs :)

  2. Oh my dear. I think we all wish to fix everything. From my daughters' very first breathes I knew that I couldn't help them and I wondered where that mommy magic was too.
    But you love your children and they know that. I think that Simon and Alexander know that. I guess that is all we can do. xo


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