Monday, March 8, 2010

Just right for NOW!

I logged into my computer today--

and found myself bombarded with images of "fat" bodies morphing into a fraction of what they once were. "You can have all this!" the images scream..."2 tips to a flat sexy stomach" Pictures of what is supposedly "ugly: next to what is supposedly "sexy"....flashing...insisting....

insisting that we are NOT o.k. unless we look the way we are told we SHOULD look. Unless we are free from pores, marks, blemishes...and especially FAT.

I know it was just an ad. But I also know the in's and out's of psychology...and I understand what subliminal drenching looks like. And THIS is it.

I log on....I see the photos....I see the words that imply one body is better than another...

and I look at myself from the outside in and I see that my body.....ISN'T "o.k." and I'm "supposed" to feel shamed into action, least someone has to have their eyes burned out by the size of my arse.

and then, when I go to the grocery store, the stacks of magazines in the check out are placed "just so" so that I will be sure to see their vital messages...and I am "told" in no uncertain terms that my body "doesn't look right".

I remember being a young voluptuous teen with a swimmers body. I remember that I wasn't thin enough even when my body was simply curve and muscle. It was NEVER good enough...even when I vomited into a toilet to keep trim...even when I was starving myself...I was never thin enough for anyone else. Never thin enough for me.

The words "too fat" "fat ass" "thunder thighs"........have followed me in echos. But, distinctly I remember men being attracted to me "even though I was chubby". My eldest sons father went as far as to inform me with bewilderment in his voice that he found me to be really sexy...even though he knew he "shouldn't." And when I became pregnant in the poor judgment that is a teenage heart, he informed me at that time that though I WAS the kind of woman you'd want to marry...I wasn't beautiful enough to date...and he left. My husband, sweet a different brand of man. He openly adores my body. Isn't afraid of voluptuous critical of the media for their snide presentations of airbrushed and completely altered "beauty". He loves matter what his culture thinks about my body. Though my weight has increased under mountains of stress and grief and I can't fit into the wedding dress that stood before him 15 years ago... I know that my husband's affection has not waned, I know his desire is brilliantly present.

I was only moments ago looking at the photos flashing on my computer screen. Two women's, full, fact, very sexy. . is "BEFORE" if she was ugly at that time....I don't see the ugly part that is supposedly obvious to the advertisement. I just see a full, sexy body--much like my own in fact, but much more tan. Next to it is a scaled down version...pert breasts, slender waist....pretty....young looking little thing. That's the "AFTER"...but what if...

WHAT IF.....

What if the TRUTH is simply that the before and after are REVERSED normals and PERFECTLY o.k.???? What if the supposed AFTER was the BEFORE and the BEFORE was the AFTER. What if it was just FINE to be full bodied. What if no one acted like you were less than acceptable just because you carry a full body around? Studies DO in fact state that weight alone is NOT a precursor to ill health, is activity levels and types of diet that indicate ill health. In other words...a person who is active that eats a healthy diet may IN FACT be perfectly healthy even if "overweight". interesting. very interesting. So why the hatred for full bodies. Why the prejudice and the constant berating? It's easy to blame a negate them entirely...just because of their body. No questions asked...just blame and disgust. Just constant advertising to point fingers and make people feel bad about their bodies.

I am sitting here....wondering when human beings started deciding that their bodies were unacceptable unless thin?

I am sitting here wondering when it became acceptable to criticize the body we live in...and I'm wondering how to put an end to this madness.

I suppose it simply starts with me. Loving my own spite of the ads that flash and declare that my body right now is UGLY. I suppose it comes in the form of defiance that states that I am BEAUTIFUL no matter what. I guess it comes from slapping my own self around in a powerful shakedown that says "DAMN IT SARA! WAKE UP TO WHO YOU A R E !!!!! LIVE WHAT YOU PREACH! K N O W THE TRUTH!! Don't believe the LIES...not even a LITTLE bit! KNOW YOURSELF AS THE BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, POWERFUL WOMAN THAT YOU ARE!

Why do we let "them" do it? Why do I listen to the lies of our culture? Why do they have power over me even AFTER I understand that it's all LIES? We've forgotten something....something so important. We've forgotten that caring for our bodies isn't simply about being thin. It's about loving our bodies with healthy food, providing fresh's about embracing ourselves and feeling love for these bodies that protect us. You can be overweight and healthy. Studies KNOW this to be true, and yet....we see all fat as unhealthy. ALL fat is BAD....but that is the lie. It's not. And I'm not lazy, unhealthy, ugly or worthless just because I am ALSO full bodied. I have enough pain in my life. I don't need to pile on more sad feelings....I don't need to hate this body. I don't need to assault myself again and again just because I don't have the "perfect" beach body.

I say SCREW the marketers and psychologists and critics that would have me shamed into hiding forever. SCREW THEM!

I'm sick of being told that my breasts are too big and too saggy, I'm done with feeling that my hips are too wide, or that I'm too short, too this...too that! I'm sick of being told that my hair is too frizzy, my smile too open, my laugh too loud, eyes too brown or my feet too wide. I'm sick of not being "right" for the eyes of anyone else. Judgment from the eyes of others that burns into my gut... that attempts, and often succeeds at making me feel bad for just BEING what I AM.

I just AM who I AM. I am not TOO anything. I am just.....


And "me" simply......part of the whole. and that part.....that part that is me.....

is really perfectly beautiful right now. not AFTER. but...right NOW. And if it changes...that's just as fine as right NOW. Because it isn't my shell that's my spirit. It isn't this body that is's the culture we are in. On that isn't my tears that are's the people telling me to stop crying that are off base.

This love has to start with me. This acceptance has to start with me. This path of has to start with me.

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