Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Alterations in life

It's been a little over 7 months since I gave birth to my first twin, Alexander on Earth day....6 months since we discovered we had a twin named Simon. 4 months since I held a furry 8 week old puppy in my arms who was born around the same time as we lost our babies forever.

Tomorrow, my 6 month old puppy, Ferdinand...spirit from the universe...helper and companion...licker of tears, and provider of warm morning cuddles and never ending attentiveness...

...will be neutered.

Part of me feels that such an AMAZING dog should add his perfect genes to the pool of Old English Sheepdogs before him. After all...he is smart, gentle, has perfect conformation, and is downright gorgeous!!! Not only is he the perfect canine...but...he's almost human.

That's when I is about more than his genes. He's here for a reason, and he knows it.

I hate to sound anthropomorphic....but....he's not just a dog.

He will be happier as a neutered male. Less tense about his bones (a recent development that showed up with the testosterone that marks him being an adolescent), less apt to try to mount me when I'm making dinner (believe me...he's really big, and that constant attempt makes cooking a lot harder.) and less anxious when he is learning a new trick (also new...)

It needs to be done.

He is ready.

It is time.

Every male in my house (6 of them) has been wincing over the idea of having our big beauty altered. It seems to really....well....bother them.

funny....the only thing that bothers me about it is that so much time has passed. He's 6 months old. The time flew by. I barely noticed how fast it all went.

I'm still in the hospital holding my lifeless baby.

I'm still mourning in a field.

I'm still watching balloons sail away in the sky.

I'm still peeking at my new puppy for the very first time.

I'm still there.

back there.

Being forced to be here...right now....simply because life demands that it is so.

My furry friend is 6 months old.

He is doing his job well, but more than that...he is my best friend.

and tomorrow, the only thing I am thinking about is that he MUST be o.k..

He must.


  1. I hope Ferdinand's surgery goes smoothly and that he is not having to wear the "cone of shame" for too long (wow did our Albert OESD inflict some damage to us and the walls with his!). I felt the same way as you did that Albert would be such a good sire - and he would, gentle giant goof - but our last OESD was badly mauled twice by big male dogs - both attacks from behind and likely because they smelled he was intact. The second mauling ultimately claimed our Duncan just shy of his 12th birthday (he had a series of strokes after the attack).

    My husband had me drop Albert off for his castration.

    Sending you love while you wait to pick up your furry boy.

  2. Your sweet Ferdinand is in my thoughts for a speedy recovery, and you, friend, are in my thoughts for some peace in your heart. This post, it really touched me. He sounds like a wonderful companion.

  3. Awww Ferdy..praying for quick recovery! Another hearttugging post Sara...

    "I'm still in the hospital holding my lifeless baby......

    Being forced to be here...right now....simply because life demands that it is so."

    so deep yet, painfully beautiful. My prayers are with you <3

  4. I hope Ferdinand's operation goes OK! He is such a big sweetie. I too can't believe so much time has passed... It's just so hard to understand.

  5. I've got my fingers crossed that your sweet snuggle puppy is healing nicely !
    I love your quote too.... "Being forced to be here...right now....simply because life demands that it is so." So fitting. So true. I feel the exact same way. Watching time pass by, but being stuck in those moments of the past.... I think my soul is still sitting in that rocking chair next to my daughter's bassinet in the NICU, gently rocking her... for the past eight months.

  6. Just checking in to see how Ferdinand is (I'm not clever enough to find emails on blogs yet...). Hope he is recovering well. Read your comment on my blog - wow - we *do* have a lot in common. Glad it's not all babyloss and crazy mothers (I testified against mine in court btw and haven't seen her since I was in my early 20s) but also furry pals. (((Hugs)))

  7. p.s. my email is


Thanks for reading! Please take a moment to add your own reflections.