Wednesday, December 30, 2009

2010...where do we go from here?

My husband is really optimistic about 2010. He believes that it will be full of wonderful things, and that life is bound to be brighter after 2009. After all...he loves helping people that have been so ignored by society at his job. He's excited to know that he becomes a more effective therapist each day. He's getting excited about creating a book with me to compliment his first. He is proud of my writing career, and believes that I will just keep thriving in it. He loves our twin puppies with gusto, and is amazed at our four younger kids exponential musical and artistic growth. He is excited for our eldest as he takes steps toward independence. He is relieved that our home mortgage has been reduced and that bills are being payed off. He loves his musical endeavors with his band, and enjoys his friends. He see's a light at the end of the tunnel, and feels a connection with our spirit babies that gives him great faith and a connection with a world and understanding beyond what we once knew.

and me? How do I feel about 2010? Honestly??

I feel less excited than my husband.

I love all the same things he loves. I am aware of all the bounty that is presenting itself. I'm totally smitten with my puppies and my children and my husband.

and my heart is still gaping and bleeding.

My eyes are raw at the corners from 8 months of crying. My chest hurts from the racking sobs. I am broken.

Last night was my mother in laws last day here. She was to fly out early this morning back to the east coast where she lives with my brother and sister in law. She was agitated, and so I sat in my kitchen on the floor with two sheepdog puppies resting by my side. I closed my eyes and just ran my fingers through their plushy manes of hair. My heart was racing. I kept trying to breathe while I listened to her complain and rant to my husband who patiently listened.

I kept thinking that here was a woman who didn't want my babies to begin with, in my home, complaining about everyone else. I wanted to shake her. I wanted to have some kind of magic touch that would open her eyes to what real pain is. What real loss is.

I've known her for 15 years. She has always been like this. I'm not saying her pain isn't valid...that her sadness isn't worthy. I'm not saying that she hasn't come upon hard times. I'm not saying I don't feel for her.

I'm saying that for a woman that demands everyone to feel badly for her situation, she is sadly unaware that the people she is so critical of around her have pretty hard lives too. Harder than she can contemplate.

So, I sat in the kitchen on the floor...with my dogs...and tried not to let my rage out. Tried not to cry.

And then, "Sara!? What are you doing on the floor?" It was my mother in law. Yeah, why AM I on the floor? WHY would I be trying to find a quiet corner somewhere away from the woman that still doesn't get WHY I am sad?

My answer..."I'm trying to find some inner peace. I'm trying to breathe. I'm trying not to cry. I do that a lot. "


yeah....that's it. Just "Oh."

and then back to her rant.

I know she can't help it. She is one of those people that only see's her side of the coin. Only see's her own bruises. Feel's she's justified in all of her opinions. We can all be like that at times. Our pain always hurts us most. But, while I have tried to support her and be understanding, she has never tried to understand what it was like for my family to lose our babies. She has never wanted them to matter. She doesn't like that we have memorabilia that names them. She doesn't want me to have dogs that I take with me everywhere because I NEED to.

I look at 2010 and I hear my fathers words from long childhood. Words he said to me often. "Don't believe every thought that comes into your head." "It could be worse." and "Do you need something REAL to cry about?!"

I wonder if 2010 has something worse for me. I wonder if I haven't been given enough to cry about. I look at my vulnerable, mortal family and think about the four young girls that were plowed down by a drunk driver in my town two days ago. I think about my mother in law's constant "why me??" that never REALLY wants the answer to her question because it DOES have a lot to do with who she is. I think about the babies that continue to die...and the ones that will thankfully be born safely into their mother's arms. I think about writing. I think about all the tears that 2009 almost drowned me with. I think about the gifts of spirit I've been given. I think about the man I love...his strength, wisdom, gentleness..and passion.

I wonder if 2010 will be all that he expects it to be.

I remember those words..."Don't believe every thought that comes into your head" echoing in the distance... and I am not sure which thoughts to NOT believe.

I the end, 2010 will simply be what it is to be. Nothing more, nothing less. If I don't enter it with expectation, I can not be disappointed. I guess I can only hold this thought out--
"Please...let 2010 be a year of Peace, of Healing....of open doors. more drama. No more drama. Let us heal. Let us have some joy. Some light."

I say this for all of us. For everyone who is walking this path with me, who will see these words because they care enough to wonder about what I wrote today.

Yes. Let 2010 be better. More joyful. Peaceful. Healing.

Healing can only take place if life will cease ripping off our tender scabs and give us all time to recover.

2010. Be all that you will be; but gentle.


  1. I'm so with you. Here's to a gentle 2010 for all of us my friend. I will try to ring you later - first a walk with our nutty Albert and the kiddos - we've put it off because of rain but it's time to get outside now....

  2. My dad's was, "If you want to cry, I'll give you something to cry about!" Jeez. Talk about invalidating feelings. To this day, I don't feel I have a right to feel them, whatever they are. I didn't cry at his funeral. He did his job very, very well, unfortunately. It can take a long long time to get past caring about what others think or want from us.

    I'm glad, for your sake, that she's gone. At least for now. :)

  3. Our MILs sound very much alike… I’ve been working very hard at not hating mine over the past 2 years for everything she has put me through… baby steps… slowly but surely! I’m so sorry you have to deal with the same sort of crap. It’s very hard to grieve and heal without the support you would like to have from others… but with time, it gets easier… You get stronger.

    I love you Sara! I wish I was close enough to support you in person… give you a big hug, instead of just comments and virtual (((hugs))). I am praying like crazy that 2010 is your year!

    I'm not sure what the next 12 months have in store for any of us, but I hope there is tons of beauty and love and peace and healing!

  4. Oh, my dear friend, her visit sounds barely tolerable. i never understand people who complain about nothing. i have some friends who are always looking for reasons why their life is so tough. i want to tell them to enjoy their life, they don't know how good they have it.

    i know how hard it can be to have completely different outlook than your husband, but then again, it is good that you come from different places so that you can help eachother.

    the image of your eyes being red in the corners from all the tears broke my heart. i know what you mean, and hate to think of how much you are hurting because you have such a kind soul.

    i know it hurts you that she doesnt honor your simon and alexander, but that doesnt make them any less loved by you, your husband, your children, your friends, and so many others, like me, who will always remember them with you.

    thinking of you and sending prayers your way for a sense of peace from the anxiety and fears (which are totally justified) and praying that the year ahead is a kind one.


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