ouch.

Days pass...minutes...hours....weeks....months....

years.

years.


Standing here.  Listening.  Listening for answers...clues to the universe.  Wanting it to make sense.

 But, it doesn't.  Not really.
 And, because of that lack of sense...all I can do is walk forward knowing--none of this pain makes sense except for the fact that it is pain. 
 
 I still do all the things one does when trying to move forward.  I even smile and laugh.  I make jokes.
I razz my family.  We giggle....and while I'm smiling, I tend to look up, and I wonder if Simon and Alexander are smiling with us.  And then, when I'm crying...I wonder if they are crying with me too.  I wonder if they long for my arms the way I long for them to fill them.  I wonder if they miss me like I miss them...I wonder if they wish they could cross that spiritual divide--the way I wish I could cross it. 

I keep hearing McJaggars swanky voice "You can't always get what you want..." and I want to put my hand over his mouth and tell him to sing something else.  I want to make him sing about a different kind of world, as if the music could change the truth if only it had a different message.  Frankly, I'm pretty tired of knowing how often people don't get what they want....or need.  I'm tired of understanding that pain continues all around us, and I can't do anything to stop it. 

It makes me feel so angry....sad....

because I want to stop that pain.  Not just for me and mine...but for everyone.  I want to stop babies from dyeing from cancer and all manner of disease and tradgedy.  I want to stop loved ones from being taken too soon.  I want to end the pain of loss.

but...it's not going to happen.  Loss is something everyone gets to have. 

We all walk hand in hand in loss.  Nothing is permanent except that loss is always there. 

That permanence of loss keeps me standing like a deer caught in the blaze of headlights.  Unable to move away...terror in my heart.  The question resonating in my gut...."What will I loose next?"  "WHO will I loose next??" 

The silence is deafening. 
There is no answer. 
I can only wait and try to ignore the anxiety that leaks out of my body in the form of tears.  I can laugh like a wild woman in defiance of the universe that so haphazardly steals loved ones away....I laugh and laugh in the hopes that living life fully will protect me in some way.

I don't know why I do it--it never helped before.  There was no protection. 

And yet...still I laugh.  still I pray...knowing my prayers blow in the wind.

"Please protect my family...protect ALL the families....please."  As if someone will grant that plea.  As if it's that simple. 

But I've always prayed for protection.  And that's really what stings.  My prayers...my wishes....

blowing in the wind.

Who will be next??  Who??

I stand in defiance in the wind with my laughter.  "WHO will you steal next??" 

Or....have I had my quota yet?  Have I suffered enough in this life?  Have you taken enough? 

Standing in a mockery of defiance...crumbling into sobs because I know that as long as there are people that I love...there will be loss. 

What a world.

I can say that with a smile....and with tears in my eyes.  And it's the same either way.

What a world.