Unconsious understandings...

International Baby-loss Mother's Day...

I didn't know until this evening that today was "the" day. At least, I didn't know with my mind. Somehow, there are days that just feel more intense, and today was one of those days.

I kept finding myself distracted with an intense need to cry.

I kept feeling a wistful longing in my arms.

I felt empty.

empty.

Of course, I feel this way often. Daily. But today, it just kept sweeping over me and at one point I just looked at my husband with tears in my eyes and said "WHAT THE FUCK!"

sorry for the profanity...but it felt well suited at the time. I've been rather foul mouthed in the past year....it's a side effect of my grief...like tourettes.

But...it turns out that today is a day of concentrated memory of loss...our losses. ALL of our losses. It's a day of remembering the mothers days we don't get to share with the babies we don't get to have. A special day...a precious day...of remembering...loss.

It didn't surprise me. This kind of loss connects you to sisters and brothers around the world. We feel each others pain.

It helped to understand why today seemed so flooded with tears for me.

I didn't know...

but I knew.

On that note...to all my sisters and brothers....

You are in my heart.

Always.
Unconsciously.
Consciously.

With love...