A Matter of "Maybe"...

Yesterday, my husband and I spent a wonderful afternoon walking in the Blue Mountains with Ferdinand who was in his element with the thin layer of snow that had fallen in the night. It didn't snow much at our home...but in the mountains near by, there was a little more. It was really beautiful.

I mention this, because at some point, I started to feel a little bitter later in the day. Bitter because it was Sunday, and the mail was not going to come. And, because the mail was not going to come, it also meant that my spermicide for my diaphragm was also not going to arrive. And, because THAT was true, it also meant that the swelling feeling surrounding my heart from our romantic and soulful walk....was going to go unsatisfied. It ALSO meant, that I had to face the fact that we are not trying to have a baby, which is why I use spermicide in the first place.

I don't like the unknown.

I don't like gambling.

I want to KNOW what is happening. In my mind, I want to say: yes, or no. Not...maybe.

That's why I said to my sweet husband that I wanted to get my tubes tied this morning. Not because I don't desire a baby with every part of my being. But...because I also do not desire to go through the hell of losing a baby. ever. again. I don't want to have to go to bed without making love to the man I am so fiery passionate about just because I don't have spermicide. (a side note...there is not a store in town that sells the stuff. Not one. You can buy ANY number of condoms. yuk. But not spermicide for a diaphragm. No...if you are a woman being proactive about her fertility, who doesn't want chemicals in her body screwing with her system or any device that goes about killing her babies at 5 1/2 months unexpectedly, you are screwed. Or...more accurately. NOT screwed.

So....I said this to my guy....and he looked so puzzled. He seems content with the "maybe" that a diaphragm offers...and the suspense of having to wait... He's content with a surprise. But...the problem I have with a surprise at this point...is that a surprise for us is viewed as an ACCIDENT by everyone else.

and that....is almost the most painful part of having lost Simon and Alexander. Everyone else viewed them as an accident. Everyone else felt sorry for us because we were pregnant. Everyone else felt that they were a mistake.

and then....

they died. and no one else could understand the mammoth immensity of our families loss. because, if they had been a mistake.......well then, what's the big deal about LOSING them?

We have five living children. WHY would we add more to that?

that is what everyone else seems to feel.

and knowing that.....knowing that my babies were seen as accidents....well...I can't stand the thought of going through that judgment again. I can't stand hearing that I am TOO fertile for my own good. Too fertile...and as my MIL said, might as well take out my uterus!!

I feel like if I am going to say "Maybe", I might as well say "YES!" and let everyone know that it was "YES!" No matter WHAT their opinion might be about it.

I'd want to scream it from the mountain tops "YES! I AM HERE...AND I WANT YOU!"

Not...."maybe...if you must."

Not...."maybe...if you slip through the barriers I've set up to stop you!"

There is the general sense of surrender in my husbands open position. I know he will be supportive if my diaphragm "fails". I love him for that....but...I do wish we were in a position that no one could judge. I wish money was no object. I wish we had more room.

I wish.....that it was simply "yes."

Because "no" is such a final word. A word of oppression. As my father always said..."Don't you understand the meaning of the word "NO"?! NO!!!!"

I prefer saying yes to life. and if I can't say yes, I guess "maybe" really IS the next best option.

So for now...I'll wait for that spermicide, and we'll say "maybe" together.

and maybe....we'll find a "yes" after all.