Saturday, October 3, 2009

Running with the wind

The wind is howling like a ghost outside. Ordinarily I do NOT like that. I never have liked it, from the time of being a small child. It felt too wild. Like no one could hear you if you screamed for help. (That should give some insight to the childhood I had!---sheesh....)

But tonight....The wind is howling. Screaming really. The trees in my yard are bending with the strength of the winds pushing power. You can hear the rushing of the leaves---they sound like ocean waves pounding on the beach or like a subway rushing trough tunnels in New York!

It is pretty dark, because the full moon is covered by gray clouds that are eerily illuminated by the light of the moon that is trying to peek through unsuccessfully. Yes...I am usually anxious on a night like this...especially when my husband is out of town like he is. But, the kids were watching a movie...and I felt so restless....

I got my puppy's leash and his reflective vest and put a wind breaker over my fleece sweater, and told the kids I was going for a walk, and that I had my cell phone if they needed me. They yelled "AWESOME!!!" (I suspect they were thinking about the ice-cream in the freezer, and how it would be up for grabs.....)

I walked with my puppy who felt wild in the wind....he wanted to RUN, so run we did. I ran.....and talked to the my babies....cried...and ran...and cried....and screamed to myself....and laughed at the unusual friskiness that the wind had instilled on my sweet gentle giant ball of fur....and cried and enjoyed that no one at all...could possibly hear my screams...and no one would see my fat ass running...and no one would be outside in weather like that....and it was dark and chilly and wild....

and I was free.

I ran all the way up to the water tower...which is about five miles UP the mountain...and I ran all the way down. My heart was pounding..because I am NOT a runner (see the above aforementioned "fat ass" comment...which was the name my stepfather christened me when puberty came into my life, and a generous teen happened to yell at me a few days ago on a daylight stroll as he drove by...nice...what a lovely young man...and I still have to ask the REAL question..."and WHY, may I ask...are you staring at my ass with such interest?".)

But, again-- no one could SEE my fat ass running...and so I felt free to run. Funny how hard it is to exercise when you are over-weight. everyone seems to think it's such a joke to see someone like me running. Big Breasts, wide hips, short DARE I exercise! It almost seems to scare people to see a fat person exercise, as if...maybe...there is more to being plump than just being terrifying.

Anyway--I digress....

It felt amazing to be in that wild wind with my around in the cool air of the night. I was not afraid. After all...the wind sounded like ghosts all around me...and I am not afraid of ghosts anymore. I have been to the other side...and there isn't anything to fear. If anything...I look forward to seeing my twins again. Not immediately..because I have a lot to do here right now...but I know they are there. I know it...because I was there too.

So let the wind is is wild and doesn't care about the opinions of lets me scream and cry and dries my tears as quickly as they fall.

There is the sound of ghosts in the air.

For the first time in my life,that is a good thing.

yes....a very good thing.


  1. what an amazing post. Reading it, I felt like I was running my fat ass along side yours :) I am so glad you were able to have a good run, a good scream and a good cry. It sounds absolutely therapeutic.

  2. Thank you so, so much for sharing your experience of financial hardship with me.... Your note so filled with compassion and love absolutely brought tears to my eyes... Just after I published that blog entry, I thought that maybe I should delete it. I am so embarassed about my situation - but after much contemplation, I came to terms with that fact that it is nothing to hide, and maybe for once I might find some relief in just getting it out. And once again - I don't feel so alone in my struggles, and that means so much.
    I am sorry that you have struggled too with this... It is very stressful when we have children who need to be taken care of. And by the way, I would love to buy a copy of your husband's book.... Once I have some money... lol!
    About your running with the wind experience... I feel you... As I read on, I could feel myself there next to you, out there, free in the eeriness of the stormy night. It's interesting how we have fears and are somehow comforted by them at the same time... Amazing how we find therapy in places we never would've thought to look before. (((Lots and lots of hugs)))

  3. as always, i am moved beyond words dearheart! and am uplifted by your experiences of insight and healing. i am oddray and we at BO would love to have one of you do quick visit to respond to request. thank you for your courage to open to such a deep level.


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