Fifteen Years...

Tomorrow is my fifteenth wedding anniversary.

If I close my eyes I can almost see myself 15 years ago...I was in the kitchen...pulling my wedding cake out of the oven with my dearest friend and we were talking about how I used too much vanilla (in her opinion). We set the last layer out to cool, and I started clipping the prettiest daisies so that I could decorate it in the morning. I had decided to make my own cake for many reasons, but the one that sticks in my mind had to do with starting this new life with my new husband as authentically as possible. I wanted everything to be real. I didn't want a big, glorious wedding...I wanted it simple, and lovely...and honest. To celebrate our union with a cake that contained anything but the most real ingredients would seem somehow, to me, like a lie.

As the many layers of white chocolate cake cooled in various places (it was a small apartment...) I went for a walk with my friend...my dearest of friends...and my new brother in law. We walked up a mountain that is called Mount Jumbo. I had to pee desperately, but was young and shy and so, in spite of my brother in law claiming that I should just pee behind a bush, I instead opted to keep my poor bladder full and aching. My four year old son was a bottle rocket of energy and he raced ahead of us under the moon. I looked out over the city and wondered what my soon to be husband was doing....

In the morning, my friend got up at the crack of dawn to frost and decorate the now standing tiers of sweet smelling cake. We went to the beauty parlor where my hair was curled and braided up off my neck and filled with daisies....again...chosen for their simplicity and grace. My favorite of flowers...the humble daisy. I remember looking in the mirror and smiling because I really did look like a bride.

We arrived at the church...I dressed my son in his white shirt, his black pants, and his green and gold cape (he had insisted on a cape...) I put on my dress...hugged my sweet friend...and waited for the sound of harp music to end and for my father to take my hand.

In some part of my mind...I think I fully expected that my fiancee would have second thoughts, and would decide to not show up that day. So, when I turned the corner, and saw him standing at the alter with a gentle smile on his face...I almost passed out.

He came. He still wanted to marry me. He'd had time to think it over....but he came anyway.

We said our vows, which were basically explanations for how we had come to this moment in time, and ended with what we felt was the vow that summed all the others up in one...."Till death, do we part."

In the past fifteen years, we have lost five babies. We have had four beautiful sons to add to the one I brought with me. I gave up my mother, knowing that I had never had her in the first place. My husband has been through name after name, trying to find one that truly felt right, coming full circle to the name he was born with. Ty. We have been through parenting a child with undiagnosed mental health issues...and almost lost him due to a terrible accident. We have cried together. We have held hands through turmoil and poverty....such terrible poverty. We have believed in each other when others were shaking their heads. We have opted for a life together that was harder simply because it did not cut corners. We have hurt each other unintentionally...and worked to heal those wounds. My husband wrote a book and got it published, where it now sits in books stores all over the world. He became a wonderful therapist. I found out that I preferred psychology to medicine and have been fascinated to discover out that alternative health care healed, and allopathic medicine was good for emergencies. I've become a writer. My husband and I laugh together, enjoying the same humor and opinions about nearly everything. We cook fantastic food and eat it together. Tender gestures, and honesty, and unending compassion bind us close together. We have made passionate, earth shaking, love almost daily. We have worked through challenges most would have crumbled under. We are best friends. lovers. confidants. For fifteen years. We are one.

yes....friends have come and gone....my best friend of 15 years ago, who was my maid of honor...my eldest sons god mother... disappeared from my life 7 years ago with no explanation. Change. It happens.

I am no longer 19. He is no longer 23. I am fatter. He is balder. I am saggier. He is sexier. we are grayer. we are wiser...more seasoned. Pain and loss have twisted us inside out. Struggle has pounded us hard. Life has shown us that bad things happen to good people. We have shown life that we can make it through hell and back again.

and...I have done it holding the hand of the man that said "Till death do us part" 15 years ago.

Ty....I am sooo glad to be your wife. To be your friend...and your partner.

Thank you for showing up.

Thank you...for loving me.

Happy Anniversary baby....it's only the beginning!!

The Best is yet to come...