There are people who believe that it is best to forget the past. Perhaps they feel that remembering negates any beauty of the present? Honestly, as a person who feels that one must remember in order to fully appreciate what IS, I can't pretend to understand the desire to forget implicitly in the name of "being healed".
What IS healing, anyway? Is it not remembering? Is it turning the other way when the sharpness of a memory permeates the present moment? Or is it being able to see the contrast, acknowledge the pain and longing, and then...continue living.
Once upon a time, (many times actually...) I was called diarrhea mouth. This "loving" nickname hurt me deeply. It was an effective way to express that what I had to say was so abundant that it was sickening and uncontrollable. Funny that I would go on to become a writer: ie: a person who has much to express. Call it diarrhea mouth...or call it being expressive. My parents chose the former...and as I watch my rainbow baby coo and croon and babble and chat in beloved baby expression, I am choosing the latter. Expressive. Not diarrhea mouth. Beautiful. Not nauseating. Precious. Not dismissible.
There are those who would wish that I wouldn't think of what I was called as I give my daughter the warmth I feel she (and I) deserve. Instead, I say to her "Sweetie! You have SO much to say and I LOVE to listen to you!" or "Oh Ali V. Tell me MORE of that sugar!" or "You go sweet Venus...tell the people what you want!" there are those who feel, to this day, that they wish I didn't express what I feel or call it like I see it. But...there is a discrepancy between the sentiment of wishing a person could find healing while wishing they would shut up about their pain. Diarrhea vs. Constipation?? Better out than in!!!
Oh yes. I hear, in the words of a parent not as enthusiastic as I happen to be, the groan of "there goes diarrhea mouth again...." in the depths of my own childhood memory. Because I love my own beautiful little girl so much, I feel the contrast, and it aches in my gut. That I, a beautiful baby girl...a rainbow baby myself (!!!)...would not have been cherished...that my earliest sentiments would have been viewed in a similar fashion to something as wretched as diarrhea...well, all I can say to that is---wow. I deserved better. I'll give my daughter better. That is my promise to her. That is my promise to me. Healing.
As I love my daughter, I am learning that I deserved just as much love.
That is true healing. See the now. See the past. And do it differently in honor of the love you wanted...in honor of the love deserved by all.
You DID deserve better - absolutely. I can't imagine not relishing every noise, coo, babble or expression of relationship and love that our babies share with us.
ReplyDeleteAnd I believe there is no healing in forgetting. How could there be?
You did deserve better.
ReplyDeleteI was always told no matter what I was saying, that I was rambling. That blatantly screams that whatever I was saying was not important, or worth listening to. To this day, as a young woman, I see that soft condescending smile come on my parent's faces.
I hope and pray deeply to never forget, so to improve.
I also hope and pray deeply that I am one day as expressive, positive, certain, and healing of a mother as you are.
Thank you again for sharing your beautiful insights.
Really, someone said that to you, and more than once? People have no feelings. I think for those of us who have banded together, there is a common feeling of heartbreak, healing and some days forgetting. Toward others, I just don't say much. I don't want people to pity me, even if it's my friends, or have non-understanding of how I feel. How each month hurts and how each anniversary hurts. How seeing a newborn, or hearing the news of my friends rainbow baby still hurts, even though love abounds in my heart for them. You're a stronger woman than me, to write about it for all to see. I'm so proud of you and so very happy for you.
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