Monday, November 28, 2011 has to be that.

I know I am not the only one in the world who thinks her mother in law is lacking.  In wit.  In brains. In common sense. In tact.  In everything.

Last night I lay awake wondering, once again, how it was possible that my beautiful, loving, intelligent, spiritually competent, sensitive, amazing husband came from her loins.  How did such a miracle occur?

She does it every time---she whacks me from some unexpected place that only she possess the key to.  I've gotten agile over the years.  Seventeen years of practice...and yet, she knocked me over again.

I was on my guard for this visit.  I'd been practicing my mental fencing techniques, just to be sure I wouldn't get poked again.  I was on my guard.  Practiced.  Seasoned.  Ready.  I've gotten pretty adept at fending off abuse over the past few years...since our loss....

When you realize that life is too short to tolerate anything but the best, you have to be prepared to defend your heart.  Fragile as it can be, people still can be careless about it...stepping on it as they go their merry way.  I've been so lucky to have met amazing people on my journey.  People who go above and beyond to love and support me.  Wonderful friends.  My true family.  My sisters and brothers in life.  People who understand.  I'm married to my best friend.  I'm truly blessed.

And broken.

It is the broken parts...the weak parts...the fragile parts---which I defend the most vehemently. 

My mother in law...she was here for Thanksgiving.  It's been two years since she was last here.  It didn't go very well.

I was pretty good about standing up for myself.  For my children.  For my husband.  In general, if I felt she was out of line, I told her.  Again.  And Again.  And Again.  I was kind.  I was firm.  I was honest.  She didn't like it, but the thin line of her lips would close stiffly and she would stop in her tracks.  She was obviously trying too.

Hour after hour, I would spend in polite conversation...trying to make things run smoothly while my husband was at work.  Trying.  Trying.

The effort was exhausting...

The last day of her visit, I must have let my guard down or something...because she nailed me hard.

She was talking about some celebrity.  She looooves media life.  I know very little about anything in that realm.  It's not my thing.  Never has been.  Even as a young teen, I didn't have posters of the hotties of the day on my walls.  Never fell in love with a celebrity.  Didn't dream of hooking up with someone rich and famous.  Didn't want to BE famous either.  So....I don't really care about who did what or who went where or who married who or which loaded billionaire had another baby.

My mother in law, on the other hand, cares A LOT about this.  So...she was talking.  Very animated. About some famous person...maybe you know who it was...I can't even remember the name.  Honestly.  I'm totally serious.  I was simply nodding and acting like I gave a damn just to keep her happy.  But the midst of my nodding and smiling, I suddenly found that her words were clear as a summers day...and they were ripping me apart.

She was going on and on and on about someone who has new twins and all about how cute they were. "Oh Sara!  They are the sweetest little twins!  I just love twins and always hoped I would have them, but I didn't.  Don't you think having twins would be fun?!"


I stood frozen.  My rainbow baby in a sling sleeping soundly at my breast.  Frozen in time.  Frozen in memory.  Numb.

Do I think having twins would be fun????  Did she REALLY ask me that?

It took me a moment as I looked at her smiling, completely idiotic, sunburned face to really register that she really had said what I thought she said. 

My voice sounded dull to my ears.  "Yeah.  I would have loved to have had my twins.  I would have loved that."

She brightened..not really taking in my reply.  "I KNOW!  It would be SO fun to have twins!"

She babbled on for the rest of the afternoon.  She had no idea what she'd done.  No idea.  When my husband came home from work, he saw my face and knew right away that something had happened.  He told his mom that he wanted to go on a walk with me and asked if she'd watch the boys (who, for the record, don't need a baby sitter anymore.)  We put Ferdinand on his leash and headed out for the gully.  We walked in silence holding hands.

When we came to our rock...the rock that houses our twins ashes...I sat down and held our little rainbow girl tightly against my chest.  I sobbed.  And sobbed.

Would I have thought it would be fun to have twins?


Would I have liked twins?

Yeah.  Yeah I would have liked that.

My tears fell on the rock.  My baby girl nestled into my body...warm and alive.

I have much to be thankful for.

Perhaps, the next time my mother in law comes, I should actually don full body armor...just so she doesn't forget who she is talking to next time.


  1. Oh Sara...
    I am just so, so sorry. What an idiot. How completely thoughtless a person. She lost her grandbabies. Doesn't she get that!? So sorry sweetie.

  2. I am so sorry that she hurt you that way. I think some people like to hurt others, and STUPID is the best way to describe her. Sorry, I know, your husband is wonderful and that is his mother, but if the shoe fits.
    My MIL is in prison for MURDER!!! Yet we went to see her after my "youngest" was born and she told me I was getting fat. Yep, she sure did. That was the last time I saw her.
    I have only have one life, I WILL NOT be torn down by others. I will live life to the fullest and be happy and full of joy and happy times. If a person can't be in that with me, then they don't deserve to be around me or you!!
    LOVE you my "angel" on earth!!! You are heaven sent!!

  3. You say she had no idea what she'd done, but that's not true. She knew exactly what to say so she could "win" because she needs to put others down to feel elevated. How sad her life must be.

    And she DOES have twin grandsons, they are just too busy protecting you and your beautiful rainbow girl to spend time in this realm.

    Good job keeping your cool!

  4. Oh sweet friend. I dont get it. Im so sorry for your tender heart. I just want to give you a giant hug. And tell you you never have to see her again. oh friend my friend may god bind up all those insults and stitch your heart back together, stronger. Your twins are so blessed to have you all your children are. All my love.

  5. I am so sorry that you have to deal with that. I have encountered a similiar creature. She was both unintelligent and tactless, but put on one hell of a show for her son when I was around until I clued him in on what was really going on. Again, you deserve so much better, and your courage to share this anger and hurt with us only strengthens those of us that are also vehemently defending our broken parts. And your line, "When you realize that life is too short to tolerate anything but the best, you have to be prepared to defend your heart" are the exact words my aching heart needed to hear today. All my light, El

  6. I'm so very sorry. What is it with the mother in laws....

  7. This makes me so angry! What a horrible person! What kind of a mother is she, that she can't at least try to relate? I realize that it's impossible to take in the full impact of loss as long as one's been spared the experience, but I would think any mother has the ability to understand that there's nothing worse than losing one's children. If she doesn't have it in her to grieve for the loss of her own grandchildren, she could at least have the decency to cry out of sympathy for the broken hearts of her own son and, her daughter in law. Stupidity... Maybe... But it seems more like down right cruelty to me... I'm so sorry she put you through that.


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