Thursday, October 27, 2011

A bad mother...

I felt like a bad mother today.

I sat here...with a beautiful, perfect, softly snoring baby girl in my lap.  Tears rolling down my cheeks as my older boys made salmon chowder upstairs. 

My heart was aching.

There was nowhere to go.  Nothing to do about how I felt.  No place to feel differently.

So I cried in silence while living perfection slept.


desire.  Desire for the ability to turn it off--the thoughts--the memories--the regrets.

I sat here just wishing to feel like the me I once was.  Oblivious to the pain. 

My first grand-baby was born on Sunday.  He was early.  His poor mamma has only held him twice due to complications.  I've been crying for her pain as well.  Her worry is my own.

I feel like a bad mother for not just keeping my focus on my girl....for letting my heart wander from her to what is the  tears of the past...and the tears of others.

A bad mother....for even momentarily...feeling sad after her living presence.   Or maybe...I just feel like a bad sister.  Bad for having reasons to smile when my sisters in life are still crying.  Bad for being lucky.  This time. 


  1. Your love is powerful beyond these stormy emotions. The love you have for your family--all of your family-- will shine a light for your heart to follow. Your empathy is deep. This makes you strong and wise and aware, not bad. My prayers are with you.

  2. Oh my dear. This post really spoke to me. As you know, because I lost one of twins, I have always had that 'living presence' from the moment my daughter died. I have struggled so much with feelings of guilt, that J would feel that she was somehow 'not enough' to make me happy. I used to feel awful for crying for her sister in front of her, I used to hide away in another room.
    But I think that the heart will wander. We are human and, as much as we might try to live in the moment and in full appreciate of what we have, humans do have a tendency to have wandering hearts. And it isn't something that we can turn off, as much as we might like to. Life just isn't as simple as that.
    You don't love your girl any the less for not feeling absolutely happy 100% of the time. The part of your heart that belongs to her IS happy. You don't love the twins any less for not grieving 100% of the time. The part of your heart that belongs to Simon and Alexander DOES grieve for them. And of course your grandmama's heart worries for your grandson and his mama. All of these things just have to co-exist, they don't cancel one another out or make any of the others invalid somehow.
    Don't feel bad for being lucky.

    And I have been thinking about your little grandson and his mama, I'm so sorry that he made an early arrival, I remember the agony of waiting to hold my little J. It is a very difficult time xoxo

  3. Not a bad mama - a compassionate one, a loving one, a grieving one. One who is lucky this time but has known the unluckiness of losing beloved children. It is complex, mothering a rainbow.

    And much love and healing hopes to your little grandson and his parents.


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