I'm not so sure about that.
In many ways, I feel the effort of trying to stay on top of everything is really just....not happenin'
On many days I look in the mirror and I really don't like who I see. And, most importantly, this has nothing to do with the actual image. I'm not looking and hating my fat, sags, or wrinkles. I'm not loathing my physical body. No....it's that I look in the mirror and see a person who has tried sooooo hard for soooo long...a life time really. . .and the damage of LIFE just seems---to have made me a bit "ugly".
Sometimes I say things without thinking. Hurtful things.
Sometimes I think I'm trying to be helpful. But I'm being hurtful.
Sometimes, I try to forgive...forget....move on.....and I promise I WILL....
but...then I don't. At least...not all the way. Which, is like lying.
I look in the mirror and I see a person who really needs a lot of support, but who is so frazzled that the demand for MY support crushes me.
Not all the time....just....enough.
I want to be more supportive. Unconditionally.
I want to be more easy going. Unbendingly.
I want to be happier. Frequently.
I want to be more trusting. Undyingly.
I want to be more honest. Lovingly.
I want to be a better me. Devotedly.
I am not.
Not right now anyway.
So many people say this is the happiest time of the year.
I am not finding it so.
The northern climate of Montana insists upon cheating me out of much needed sunlight. The cold chills my bones. The lack of connection to community leaves me feeling....alone in my "un-aloneness".
Demands from life to be better, faster, kinder, more on the ball and in the game....oh brother...how they crush me.
Demands from culture to make Christmas "the best one EVER!" (every single year), deflates me.
What will it mean to make Christmas the best ever? Not more PRESENTS, surely??? Maybe more crafts? More outings? More More More More.......
And yet...all I want, or SAY I want...is nothing. I told my husband I wanted nothing for Christmas.
But...it was really a lie.
I want a lot.
I want joy. Serenity. Peace. Gratitude. Hope. Laughter. Trust.
I want parents that think I'm indispensable. Irreplaceable. Unconditionally wonderful. Parents that would do anything for me without guilt, anger, or manipulative tactics.
I want relationships that are built on bedrock. Where trust and love and laughter are ever-present.
I want my core to not feel ravaged and threatened every-time something looks......iffy. Potentially scary. As if I might have a bomb land in my lap at any time.
I want to trust life again.
I want to TRUST life again.
Can anyone wrap up a box and fill it with trust that I could ingest and be made to feel whole?
No. There is no "OZ" who can provide me with trust. Just as there was no "OZ" bursting with wizardly power to provide courage, a heart, or a brain or a home sweet home.
We have to find it on our journey. Trust.
Somehow, it seems rather difficult when the journey seems to be all about yanking the ground from under me.
I want it in my stocking on Christmas morning. But, it won't be there amongst the chocolate, trinkets and baubles. It can't be bought. Or bargained for.
And, while I am sure there are other gifts I'll have in my life....I'm afraid that this little girl will have to find the way to trust again on her own.
As I look ahead at that task, I feel wary. (see, there is that lack of trust again.) I'm not sure I will ever find it again. I can pretend....and even get fooled by that sometimes....but it pops up. The lack of trust. It pops up late at night when I should be sleeping...when the world looks more bleak. And the inkling of trust leaves me...alone.
I suppose I could blame myself...life...anything or anyone. But really...it just IS the way it is.
And I am who I am.
I wonder if that could be enough for anyone else? To just let me be who I am...and think I'm great...wonderful...independently fantastic? I guess I'd like to feel perfect "enough".
So...this year, I'm going to re-nig on my request for "no gifts"...and I'll ask my readers. Do you have a gift for me? Can you share a tale of self love that might brighten my day? Can you offer a tidbit of wisdom I can put in my pocket? What do YOU do to feel "whole"? "trusting"? "hopeful"? "positive"? "kind"?
You don't have to wrap it....just...blow it my way.