The brightest star in the night sky...isn't.

No...it's not a star.  It fools us all as we look into the inky blackness of night as it shines in brilliant glory.  It looks like a huge star...glistening...shining....

but it isn't.

It's Venus.  The planet named after the goddess of love. 

I've always loved it so. . .

It draws my attention each evening, and as the night-owl that I am, I worship it's beauty and find inner peace in its steady light.  Sometimes, even on a cloudy night, I can still see it peeking through the dense cloud cover.   It speaks to me.

It tells me to remember who I am.

We've been enjoying a brilliant, although cold, winter.  Vivid stars, brilliant moons, and always, always, there is Venus.  I've seen her there next to Mars...her lover.  I've watched her flirt with Orion in his diamond encrusted belt.  I've witnessed the conversations between the big and little dipper, and Cassiopeia.  And...I've watched her embrace all the gazillions of other stars who are no less important, but whose names I have not yet learned. 

I discovered that while I was raised by people who discussed stars and planets and prominent constellations and families of star children, that the night sky is not always common knowledge.  My sweet husband was raised by morning lovers.  As such, he wasn't familiar with the night sky in the same way I was.  I took the knowledge for granted that I was friends with the stars and planets.  My surprise at his blind gaze was one of wonderment, for no one appreciates the beauty of the night sky like my husband.   His appreciation did not gather, like a map, the patterns of the stars...the locations and changing patterns of the seasons.  What he saw was patternless...or at least....un-named.

We walk for miles every night after tucking our kiddos in bed, safely supervised by a competent and wizened elder brother.  Cells phones tucked away in pockets in case of emergency, we romp like people of a younger age...a younger time.   The miles melt away under introspection, contemplation, and...listening.  Listening to each other, to the earth, and to the sky.  Listening to the signs and feelings and subtle understandings which manifest our reality.

We walk alone under the stars, seeing the blue flickering lights in the valley below of our "fellow Americans" who, instead of witnessing the beauty of nature in it's midnight glory, are watching the news, Jay Lenno, and the snarky tales of "reality television".   We walk alone.  The deer and elk, munching peacefully, acknowledge us without fright; even as our big lumbering sheepdog romps nearby.  He doesn't chase them or bark...he is witnessing as well. 

Did you know...that there is a magic in the night?  Did you know that the planets and stars can speak to you?

If you care to listen....

Did you know...that in the heat of love, the snow under your feet fails to freeze your body?

Did you know...that creation amidst creation turns into a swirl of color and sound that overwhelms the universe with passion and hope?

Did you know...that under the watch of Venus's brilliant light....one can discover what it means to be truly human?

An incubation has begun.   A mixture of shooting stars, planetary light, and midnight flame.

The stars, in patterns of constellational beauty.  The moon, in devotion to the yin and yang of light and dark cycles.  The planets in their union with the sun's gravitational pull. 

When we admire the creations all around us...it doesn't matter who or what or how it was made...it just IS...and we are witnessing it all.

In creation.

We are calling 2011 the year of emerging light.  As the shadows fade, we hope illumination will shine on our paths just as the lunar eclipse of winter solstice brought a brilliance to the moon after it lay in amber shadow...2011 has much to offer.

I await gratefully.  Thank you Venus.

It's almost time...

To wrap the gifts that is....

I've somehow magically saved every single item for the last moment.  Nothing has been wrapped.  Nothing.

I think the kids are convinced that the tree will go present-less...and I wouldn't blame them.  It's never taken me this long to get organized...

There are many factors involved, and none of them has anything to do with procrastination. 

so, tonight is the night.  For as much as I would love to engage upon a night of walking under the stars with snow crunching under my feet...I must wrap.  As much as I would prefer to cuddle up with "A Christmas Story"...I must wrap.  As much as I need to write so that my bank account will not delve past a negative balance....I must wrap. 

In all honesty, there isn't much to wrap in spite of five children's worth of presents.  We opted for simplicity this year.  We opted for hope. 

Something is brimming on the horizon which seems born of a year and a half of pleading with the universe for guidance, for support, for......hope. 

I dare not utter much about it...though I will say for eager readers that I am...at least as far as I know...not pregnant.  Not even after concentrated effort.  It's something else....somewhere else. 

In any case....I feel a bit like Frodo in his journey through the Fellowship of the Ring...and if things go the way I wish, I will actually walk in the land of "Middle Earth" by the end of the year.  And...I will make a new home...a new future...a new tomorrow........and, maybe...if I'm very very lucky....a new little kiwi.

Wishing you all...ALL...a wonderful...hopeful....peaceful...and bountiful...Christmas. 

With love.

The happiest time of the year???

I'm not so sure about that.

In many ways, I feel the effort of trying to stay on top of everything is really just....not happenin'

On many days I look in the mirror and I really don't like who I see.  And, most importantly, this has nothing to do with the actual image.  I'm not looking and hating my fat, sags, or wrinkles.  I'm not loathing my physical body.  No....it's that I look in the mirror and see a person who has tried sooooo hard for soooo long...a life time really. . .and the damage of LIFE just seems---to have made me a bit "ugly".

Sometimes I say things without thinking.  Hurtful things.

Sometimes I think I'm trying to be helpful.  But I'm being hurtful.

Sometimes, I try to forgive...forget....move on.....and I promise I WILL....

but...then I don't.  At least...not all the way.  Which, is like lying.

I look in the mirror and I see a person who really needs a lot of support, but who is so frazzled that the demand for MY support crushes me.

Not all the time....just....enough.

I want to be more supportive.  Unconditionally.

I want to be more easy going.  Unbendingly.

I want to be happier.  Frequently.

I want to be more trusting.  Undyingly.

I want to be more honest.  Lovingly.

I want to be a better me.  Devotedly.

But...

I am not.

Not right now anyway.

So many people say this is the happiest time of the year.

I am not finding it so.

The northern climate of Montana insists upon cheating me out of much needed sunlight.  The cold chills my bones.  The lack of connection to community leaves me feeling....alone in my "un-aloneness".

Demands from life to be better, faster, kinder, more on the ball and in the game....oh brother...how they crush me.

Demands from culture to make Christmas "the best one EVER!" (every single year), deflates me.

What will it mean to make Christmas the best ever?  Not more PRESENTS, surely???  Maybe more crafts? More outings?  More More More More.......

And yet...all I want, or SAY I want...is nothing.  I told my husband I wanted nothing for Christmas.

But...it was really a lie.

I want a lot.

I want joy.  Serenity. Peace. Gratitude.  Hope. Laughter. Trust. 

I want parents that think I'm indispensable.  Irreplaceable.  Unconditionally wonderful.  Parents that would do anything for me without guilt, anger, or manipulative tactics.

I want relationships that are built on bedrock.  Where trust and love and laughter are ever-present.

I want my core to not feel ravaged and threatened every-time something looks......iffy.  Potentially scary.  As if I might have a bomb land in my lap at any time.

I want to trust life again.

I want to TRUST life again.

Can anyone wrap up a box and fill it with trust that I could ingest and be made to feel whole?

No.  There is no "OZ" who can provide me with trust.  Just as there was no "OZ" bursting with wizardly power to provide courage, a heart, or a brain or a home sweet home.

We have to find it on our journey.  Trust.

Somehow, it seems rather difficult when the journey seems to be all about yanking the ground from under me.

Trust.

I want it in my stocking on Christmas morning.  But, it won't be there amongst the chocolate, trinkets and baubles.  It can't be bought.  Or bargained for.

And, while I am sure there are other gifts I'll have in my life....I'm afraid that this little girl will have to find the way to trust again on her own.

As I look ahead at that task, I feel wary.  (see, there is that lack of trust again.)  I'm not sure I will ever find it again.  I can pretend....and even get fooled by that sometimes....but it pops up.  The lack of trust.  It pops up late at night when I should be sleeping...when the world looks more bleak.  And the inkling of trust leaves me...alone.

I suppose I could blame myself...life...anything or anyone.  But really...it just IS the way it is.

And I am who I am.

I wonder if that could be enough for anyone else?  To just let me be who I am...and think I'm great...wonderful...independently fantastic?  I guess I'd like to feel perfect "enough".

So...this year, I'm going to re-nig on my request for "no gifts"...and I'll ask my readers.  Do you have a gift for me?  Can you share a tale of self love that might brighten my day?  Can you offer a tidbit of wisdom I can put in my pocket?  What do YOU do to feel "whole"?  "trusting"? "hopeful"? "positive"?  "kind"?

You don't have to wrap it....just...blow it my way.