Sunday, June 6, 2010


Days pass...minutes...hours....weeks....months....



Standing here.  Listening.  Listening for answers...clues to the universe.  Wanting it to make sense.

 But, it doesn't.  Not really.
 And, because of that lack of sense...all I can do is walk forward knowing--none of this pain makes sense except for the fact that it is pain. 
 I still do all the things one does when trying to move forward.  I even smile and laugh.  I make jokes.
I razz my family.  We giggle....and while I'm smiling, I tend to look up, and I wonder if Simon and Alexander are smiling with us.  And then, when I'm crying...I wonder if they are crying with me too.  I wonder if they long for my arms the way I long for them to fill them.  I wonder if they miss me like I miss them...I wonder if they wish they could cross that spiritual divide--the way I wish I could cross it. 

I keep hearing McJaggars swanky voice "You can't always get what you want..." and I want to put my hand over his mouth and tell him to sing something else.  I want to make him sing about a different kind of world, as if the music could change the truth if only it had a different message.  Frankly, I'm pretty tired of knowing how often people don't get what they want....or need.  I'm tired of understanding that pain continues all around us, and I can't do anything to stop it. 

It makes me feel so angry....sad....

because I want to stop that pain.  Not just for me and mine...but for everyone.  I want to stop babies from dyeing from cancer and all manner of disease and tradgedy.  I want to stop loved ones from being taken too soon.  I want to end the pain of loss.'s not going to happen.  Loss is something everyone gets to have. 

We all walk hand in hand in loss.  Nothing is permanent except that loss is always there. 

That permanence of loss keeps me standing like a deer caught in the blaze of headlights.  Unable to move away...terror in my heart.  The question resonating in my gut...."What will I loose next?"  "WHO will I loose next??" 

The silence is deafening. 
There is no answer. 
I can only wait and try to ignore the anxiety that leaks out of my body in the form of tears.  I can laugh like a wild woman in defiance of the universe that so haphazardly steals loved ones away....I laugh and laugh in the hopes that living life fully will protect me in some way.

I don't know why I do it--it never helped before.  There was no protection. 

And yet...still I laugh.  still I pray...knowing my prayers blow in the wind.

"Please protect my family...protect ALL the families....please."  As if someone will grant that plea.  As if it's that simple. 

But I've always prayed for protection.  And that's really what stings.  My wishes....

blowing in the wind.

Who will be next??  Who??

I stand in defiance in the wind with my laughter.  "WHO will you steal next??" 

Or....have I had my quota yet?  Have I suffered enough in this life?  Have you taken enough? 

Standing in a mockery of defiance...crumbling into sobs because I know that as long as there are people that I love...there will be loss. 

What a world.

I can say that with a smile....and with tears in my eyes.  And it's the same either way.

What a world. 


  1. So sad, I understand so much of this, but so beautifully written xxx

  2. I think what resonated with me about this post is the wondering and worrying. I had some worries before George's death but they were farther away. Now they're closer. Death feels closer and I don't feel apart from it. I'm much more afraid of more pain and loss. (((Hugs)))

  3. Oh hon. there is so much pain in this post. and so much strength (do you hear your strength in your words? i do.) what i do know in my heart is that your sweet twins are with you always. and you are with them always. and someday, when you have left this world, and are reunited with them, i know they will explain it in a way that makes sense. they will show you all the times they were the breeze in your ear, or a tickle on your cheek as you slept, and there will be joy and peace in your heart. i don't know why this all has to be so painful, but i do know they feel your love.


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