Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Last year at this time I was pregnant. I didn't know it yet, nor would I have had ANY reason to suspect such a thing was possible. Nevertheless...it was true. Pregnant.
I do remember thinking it was odd that my nipples were so sore. I do remember feeling really positive about the future. Our future. My future.
I remember studying for finals week...and making pie...and all the trimmings. heh heh...of course we all know that the PIE is the best part.
We'd been to Hawaii that summer, and I was feeling positive that I'd go back one day.
I was super thrilled that our country had voted for a man of integrity and brains. A man that seemed to have a heart...and a conscience. Finally...a good man in office. It had seemed almost impossible that it could be like that after 8 years of nail biting!
I remember feeling really good about my body...I'd been working so hard to find myself under the layers that had accumulated over the years of baby bearing.
This year is different.
This year...I know there are still reasons to feel thankful...but...
Mostly...I feel sad.
I'm being proactive about it, so don't get me wrong...I'm working hard to feel my blessings through and through. I'm working hard to remember that it could be so much worse. So....in an effort....here's a list of the things that I am SO very grateful for...
My loving husband...I couldn't bare to live in a world without him and the depth of his spirit.
My 5 living, happy, silly, brilliant children...who bring the sounds of laughter, music, dance and joy to every day. They are brilliant boys that fill my heart with love.
My twins...gone from this earth, but ever present in miracles and memories.
My sweet Ferdinand...my helper...my companion...my fluffy and devoted fur-friend.
My home...thanks to President Obama, my mortgage has been reduced to a do-able amount that will allow this drowning household the ability to find some footing without losing our sweet little home.
My friends...Baby loss mothers who KNOW this brand of pain, and have held my hand through the tears and screams of agony...and my long time journey pals who love me for reasons I will never really understand.
My work...a gift from an experience that I never wanted to have that led to writing work I never dreamed possible. I've become a contracted writer...simply because my heart MUST write.
My husbands job...which gives us a stable income, and a place for him to share his wisdom and understanding.
My husbands band...providing him with soul nourishment in the form of brothers from other mothers!
The food on our table each day....delicious and wholesome.
A soft bed, a warm husband...and a farting puppy(the smell is comforting in a strange way...it means he's there...gross...but true.)
The ability to home school in a country I am proud to live in, with a leader I'm not ashamed of.
The knowledge that there is something after all of this...that I have seen...that waits for me...a golden place of love....when it's time. and not before.
My babies are gone. Babies I didn't know I wanted till they were here. Here against the odds...and gone just the same. Gone in spite of the thumbs up from smiling doctors and midwives and the happy kicks. Gone in spite of the joy that awaited them. Gone...simply gone.
and yet...I am grateful they once were here. Growing inside of me. Bringing magic and something new to my heart. Grateful for their life altering wisdom and growth.
Grateful for the flowers of purple and yellow that filled the spring and summer...and that still peek out of pockets of frozen ground...amazingly...
Yes...this is a different Thanksgiving.
But one to be thankful for nonetheless.
So very thankful.
Posted by Emerging Butterfly at 3:33 PM